The Big 3-0!

Today is Kyle's 30th birthday! I'm sure he hates that I'm putting up pictures and blog posts about his birthday, because he doesn't love being the center of attention. However, there are times he just needs to be bragged on a little extra ;)

3 years ago on this exact date, we didn't get the news we were hoping from the fertility Dr. we were seeing. It wasn't a cut and dry, "You'll never get pregnant." But the list of things that were going against us was enough odds for us to know it wouldn't happen.

It didn't take long for me to start researching adoption agencies, as in, while I was resting on the couch that day, I was doing research. I emailed agencies, maybe even called a few. I told Kyle I wanted no part in the drugs, needles, procedures etc. and luckily he felt the same way.

The way God orchestrated that day was nothing short of a miracle. Because our appointment was on his birthday, and we didn't get "good" news, and because I may be a bit crazy to research that day, and because Kyle followed God's leading, we have Zola home today.

My heart is soaring with the fact that Kyle gets to celebrate a special birthday with his daughter. She brought us hope when we were hopeless in some of those dark days. Seeing Kyle in the role as father makes me love him even more than I did. Zola is one lucky lady to have him as her dad. He works hard for us, he is selfless, and his love is unconditional not only to Zola but to me too. He is quick to forgive, and would do absolutely anything for his family.

When I was growing up I never imagined my life to be this way, but then again I never thought I deserved a man quite like Kyle. He shows me how to be strong, and to be passionate about life. He keeps me grounded when I need it the most, and sticks up for me when I just can't. You should all be jealous you didn't marry him and get to watch him be daddy to Zola. Kyle, I love you! Thank you for supporting me through thick and thin, good and bad, and in sickness and in health. You have given truth to every one of our vows already. Happy Birthday!!

The Hardest Day of My Life

One year ago today was hands down the hardest day of my life. We were visiting Zola for the last time before we were to board a plane and fly home...without her.

That day the baby room was so quiet, and we bonded with Zola so much. We were able to be in areas all by ourselves, and just love on our sweet girl. All of the days prior we were able to feed her. But that day when it was time to feed her, they took her. Gave her a bottle, and put her in her crib. It was almost time for us to leave, so we assumed that was our goodbye. So quick.

Kyle and I walked out of the room in tears, just hugging each other, looking out the window waiting for our driver. We were blessed enough to hold her once more because she ate quickly and got a proper goodbye. Tears staining our cheeks, and lots of hugs and kisses.

I remember crying all the way back to the hotel to get our bags to go to the airport. When we got to the hotel, I had to pull myself together to finish things up. Stepping out of that van, and crossing the threshold of the airport, the tears came again. I was on my way to America, without her. We got through the ticket line, and then to the visa counter. At that point, there was no turning back. We waited to board, and once again I cried as I waited in that line. It was such a hard feeling, knowing we were leaving her in someone's care half way around the world once we got home. The comforting part was that the nannies were wonderful, and she was getting really good care.

When we were in line, another American asked how long we had been waiting, and we ended up sitting next to them on the flight. Funny how God show's up in the smallest details.

Although our wait at home was short compared to some, it wasn't easy.

Tonight after dinner, as Zola was dancing and playing, I just watched her with tears in my eyes. She was home, and we never have to be apart again. Thank you Lord for this story, this path, and for Zola.

Becoming a Spiritual Mother

A few weeks ago I started following SheReadsTruth on Instagram and fell in love with what they were about, and decided to jump on board. I started with the book of Titus. 

I've been so excited to get into the book of Titus, because honestly I didn't know much about the book, and truthfully because I've been lacking into getting into the Word enough. This has been a wonderful challenge for me and Titus 2:1-5 have spoken the most to me. (So far, it's only day 4)

In my college years, I took a few Bible classes, and I know how rare it really is that women are even acknowledged. We were kind of lumped together with the word men, so when I see something specifcically to women, I get excited. In verse 3 and 4, it tells it all. As I got to verse 4, one name really stuck out to me that I have had the privelage of mentoring/teaching over the last almost 10 years.

I was a freshman in college and my youth pastor at the time suggested that I become a small group leader. I thought the man was nuts! ME?! Why would he think I could do a job like that? ( I wonder if Titus ever felt that way too? He had a big job on his hands.) I prayed about it and said yes. I was blessed with 10 girls in 7th and 8th grade.

One girl, stuck through it all, from the very beginning. She came to almost every event, every Sunday night service, every get together. She was devoted and young. We quickly became close, and her family was included in that.

We have been through a lot together, ups and downs, times of grieving and times of pure joy. When I think of her, I think of words like, joyful, faithful, present, wise, beautiful, God fearing. Those are big bold words for a 22 year old. Although I have mentored her, she has mentored me even though she's younger. She's taught me about faith, she's taught me to be joyful in the hard and easy times.

I just want to take a moment to list some of the things we have done together: served at church (a lot), church camp, I was honored to baptize her, high school graduation, my college graduation, my wedding, her proms, my adoption journey, and now I get to stand with her as her matron of honor in a few short weeks as she commits to spending her life with her best friend. (I'm tearing up as I write this.)

This friends, is a relationship I hope and pray that my daughter will get. I also pray that I will be bold enough to ask someone to be my mentor as well. This is no pat on my back, this a pat on the back from God alone. He knew we would be this close, and He knew I needed to be asked to be part of her life. I am humbled, I took a step of faith, and I was brave even if it was for a brief moment when I said "yes."  When I look back at that, I couldn't be more thankful I did.

Proud

Today was probably the first day I ever felt completely out of place since being home with Zola. It wasn't a woe is me type of out of place feeling, just a realization I'll never understand what these mommas went through.

Most of the conversations were about are you going to have a second, are you preventing another pregnancy, how was your first one, etc. As tough as our infertility road was, and I was so sad and upset at times, I am so thankful I don't have to endure the other side. Bravo to those that do, but God knew I was meant to be an adoptive momma only.

Even though I missed the first 10 months of Zola's life, the initial bond and love is something I imagine what giving birth is like, minus all the pushing ;) When Kyle handed her to me, I was in awe. I couldn't believe I finally was holding my baby girl. Again, since I've never experienced birth, I'm guessing those moms anticipated it as much as I did. While we waited I imagined what she might look like, I dreamed of what she may become, her characteristics, all things that other moms do as well. So, maybe we aren't so different.

I will never experience a pregnancy, but as of right now they haven't experienced the amazing bond, the love you can have for a child that has not an ounce of your blood, and the trust it took to get where we are. I'm so thankful and proud where God has steered our path. I will never look back and be saddened, or wish for something that didn't happen. I am proud.

June 7, 2013

This weekend marks the one year anniversary that we were told we could finally go to Ethiopia and meet Zola. Along with making her forever ours. I don't think I ever really went into detail about how it happened, and I know I didn't blog about our time in Ethiopia. As these big days are coming up, I wanted to write them down so I don't forget. I feel like I never could forget those moments, but I want to make sure Zola has them too.

Friday June 7, 2013 we were driving to some dear friends of ours wedding, in Kentucky. We were happy to be together, but quickly our conversation turned to when will we get our date? What is taking so long?
I usually did most of the calling, and this time Kyle called. I always felt like when he called, things got done. There was no news on the other end, but our caseworker said she would check on things. She called us back about 10 minutes later, and said "I hope you're ready to travel, you have to be in Ethiopian court by June 19."

That may seem like plenty of time, but they suggest you get there about 2 days before your court appointment, and you should arrive any day but Sunday so you can visit your child at your leisure. We immediately got off the phone and started looking into travel agencies. Did I mention we were going to Kentucky, and there was like no service anywhere! ;)

We pulled over, made the arrangements, and started calling family as soon as possible. I'm pretty sure we were smiling the rest of the trip that weekend. We talked about what it may be like to meet her, what the country would be like, and honestly how difficult it would be to leave, but I'll get to that.

The next week was a whirlwind as we packed, tried to finish up things at work, and then early Friday morning we were on our way!!

The Storyweaver

I first want to say thank you for everyone who took the time to vote for me, shared my link, and encouraged me as I tried to win a trip to Rwanda with Noonday Collection. The contest isn't over yet, but I'm slowly slipping behind a few spots, and that's okay! I am honored how close I really got. At one point I was 33rd out of almost 400 women. I feel loved, truly!

One of my favorite parts of vacation is reading, finishing books, and starting new ones. I've had Tales of the Not Forgotten for awhile now. I have to be honest and say I didn't read it right away because we were waiting for Zola and it made me nervous. No idea why?! This book is amazing! It's by Beth Guckenberger. I've been lucky enough to hear her speak twice now. She speaks to my soul, verbally and written now.

I get upset when books are spoiled, so I won't say too much. What I do want to say though is, this book is about The Storyweaver. By the end of the book, you feel moved, excited, and ready to do something. As the Noonday contest is coming to a close it was a wonderful reminder that I don't have to go somewhere to do His work. I can find ways to help and serve. Maybe that's supporting a ministry, serving locally, or maybe one day there will be a trip away included. The Storyweaver didn't have this trip to Rwanda in my story, at least not yet. But, I entered, people shared, voted, etc and now more people know about the ministry of Noonday and my heart for Africa. Thank you Storyweaver for this opportunity to be used, even in the small paragraphs. 

Number My Days

On the mornings that I work, on my way I usually listen to an Andy Stanley message. He is one of my all time favorite pastors, I love the way he teaches, he challenges me, and I love the mission of the church.

Wednesday I started a series called Breathing Room. This morning was all about Time. How do we create breathing room in our lives when it comes to time? What should I be adding and what should I be taking out of my schedule.

He told a story a woman who takes care of people who are terminally ill for the last 12 weeks of their lives. She said people's biggest regrets is not making time for things they had dreamed of. " I wish i had the courage to live a life full to myself, not what others expected from me." Funny how fitting that is for me right now. I am dreaming of winning this trip Rwanda, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "why would people vote for me to leave Zola?" "Who will help take care of Zola?" "Will Kyle be okay?" These are all things that I think other people will be thinking of. Some of them, I worry about. But, Kyle and I have talked and he is on board with the idea. I would miss Zola immensely, however I want her to see us taking risks, making our dreams come true, and watching us follow The Lords calling.

Even if I don't win, that's okay. I took the risk, I tried to pursue my dream right now, today! That's what God is asking, to make the most of our days. I truly believe that God has a plan and if this isn't trip He has planned for me, then another door will open. 

Dreaming... with Noonday

Often when I think about daydreaming, I think of school aged kids not focused on what they are supposed to be doing. When I stop and think about how I dream or even daydream I have come to realize it's a part of who most people are and it makes me excited!

When I get an idea in my head, I think about ways I can use that idea for the good. If can be part of this ministry, or start something of my own, then I can give back to the people in Africa. Then I call Kyle or wait until Zola goes to bed and we dream. We talk about how things can work, what type of marketing we could, what "group" we could target. It comes up every so often, but we haven't done much with our dreams... yet. We know God will open doors when the time is right, and I'm thankful we can dream together. I love the thought of daydreaming now, because I realize it's one of God's ways of communicating with us.

Recently Kyle and I have been chatting about how we can partner or sponsor women in Africa. Like a mentoring program almost. We love to idea of opening up a way to communicate, and have a relationship. I was just invited to a trunk show for Noonday by a gal that I have been "following" since we started our adoption process. I was lucky enough to meet her a few months back, and she made me dream a lot about Noonday. Noonday is a ministry that partners with women all over the world who make beautiful jewelry to sustain their living expenses. I bought my first pair of earrings a few months ago and wear them All The Time, if you've seen me lately, I probably had them on. I actually ended up selling some of my old jewelry to make room for Noonday pieces, because I love them, and because I truly believe in this ministry. You can check them out here: Noonday

In this specific invitation, there was more than just an invite to see the beautiful artwork these women make. I found out that Noonday is offering an all expense paid trip to Rwanda for a woman who is on board with the ministry of Noonday and who has a heart for these women. They will get to meet the women in Rwanda who make beautiful pieces of jewelry. I have signed up, but all I need now is for you to vote for me to win this trip!

If you click on this link Noonday Vote! scroll to the bottom, and vote for me, I'd be so grateful. You can vote once a day.  If this is the door God has open for me, then I'm so excited. If not, it's a great way for you to learn more about this ministry and all they do. Maybe you can start to dream more too.

Cinco de Mayo

For the past 5 years Kyle and I celebrate Cinco de Mayo in our own little way. It started out in Florida 5 years ago today, I made chicken enchiladas and that night he proposed on the beach, and I said "yes!"

Each year I make the same meal and we talk about that night and that special vacation we had together. Unfortunately I'm not with him this year to celebrate, but I still started thinking back on that day, that night, and that week. All that he was "signing up for."

It's amazing to see how much God has done in those 5 years. Kyle had no idea that he was asking to marry a woman who would never be able to have bio kids, or be in line for a lot of medical issues. I thank God he asked though, because I couldn't imagine doing all of it without him. When you're younger you have this vision and dream of what your married life will look like. When he asked, and I said yes, we had no idea what was really about to happen.

I like to think that even if he knew those things, he would have asked me anyway. I think that way, because never once has Kyle made me feel guilty, or less of a woman because of my infertility. We are actually thankful for it in many ways. He is always supporting me in anything I do, and we are following the story that God has written, instead of us.

Our lives have been forever changed by the things we have gone through at such a young age, and I can't speak for him, but I love it. I love being a younger couple who has adopted, a couple who will only experience children through adoption, a couple who has been to Africa together, a couple who have made through it a lot with God on our side. We stand up for each other, we balance each other, and we dream together.

These past 5 years I could have never imagined what was going to happen, and I can't wait to see what the next 5 will hold. Kyle, thanks for asking me to be your wife, your best friend, your cheerleader, and now the mother of your first child. We are blessed. 

A Yes Girl into a No Girl

I'm a lot like my mom when it comes to making people happy. I will go out of my way to make sure people are content or happy if it's possible. I would consider myself a "yes" girl. I honestly, don't like to say no, but I've been realizing it is okay to say no sometimes.

Before Zola I could make plans pretty much whenever I wanted to. I would always consult Kyle first, but if I needed to do something in the evenings (especially) he could work. I loved being able to be dependable, and to have that flexibility. I never really thought too hard about being a yes girl until we brought Zola home. It has been an interesting transition to go down the road of no more often. I'm also learning that there are seasons to be able to say yes again, but the season to say yes isn't the one we are in right now. (and that's okay)

By no stretch of the imagination am I glad that I've turned into a no girl, but there are moments I wish I could say yes. However, that little girl can make me a no girl as long she wants. When Kyle gets home from work, our evenings begin. Dinner is being prepared, and we are ready to have some fun. Zola LOVES her daddy and so do I. After our night time routines are done and Zola is in bed, and I come down stairs, Kyle and I marvel at how much fun she is. We take in the moments, we laugh (hard, sometimes until we cry), we are astonished at the new things she had done that day, and we truly enjoy being home together.

Kyle and I both will say no to things so that we can enjoy those 2 hours with Zola and as a family. We may plan things later on after she's in bed every once in awhile, but we love to be home and we can tell Zola does too. She is such a blessing, and a constant reminder what family is all about. So as much as I'd like to say "yes" to a lot, I am becoming a "no" girl. 

Expectations

As I posted last week I attended a conference for adoptive moms called Created for Care. I went into last weekend with some expectactions, and throughout the weekend and as I left I felt like they weren't met. Expectations are hard, they are almost like a fairy tale, that rarely happens exactly how we think it will.

I have been blessed to hear Beth Guckenberger who is a huge part in a ministry called Back2Back Ministries. She is an amazing speaker, convicting but not to feel guilty, and an amazing heart for The Lord, her family, and orphans. There were several topics she spoke about that really stirred things in my heart.

First, one of her stories about what she expected Saturdays with her family to be, and then the reality of what really happened. She took a step back to truly figure out why she had these expectations, and she realized she needed to be closer to The Lord during that time. I feel like I do this all too often whether it's what my day will look like, the weekend, holidays, etc.

Second, as she was teaching on Is. 45:2 (NIV) I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. She went to say that " We serve a Lord who is always on time." Not sometimes, not most of the time, but ALWAYS. I remember all too well thinking The Lord had this all wrong during our journey. I remember times when I was single, thinking I'm never going to get married, I'm not going to find the perfect job, honestly the list could go on. Satan is too good at telling us God isn't on time. The truth is though, God is ALWAYS on time, and it's His time, definitely not ours.

If all those instances I just talked about happened on my time, my life would be so different. There were times of doubt, but deep deep down I knew God had a plan. He had a plan for me to stay in Indiana, meet Kyle, go through our tough journey, and wait for that perfect referral of Zola. He knew she was meant for our family. It is hard being in those times of uncertainty and the waiting, but oh my God's timing is perfection.

Lastly, in Ps. 23 Beth was explaining to us about the green pastures we all imagine, but she was able to see first hand that there aren't always green pastures where these shepherds lead their sheep. There are times when the shepherd has to tell the sheep where to find their next bites, and it may only be a couple bites at a time. After those couple bites, the sheep angle their ears back toward to the shepherd to listen where their next bite will come from. How convicting... how often do I think I know where my next "bite" comes from. Too often, is the answer. I'd guess a lot of us feel that way. I need to be focusing on listening to The Lord where my next "bite" will come from no matter the size.

Leaving this weekend I felt like my expectations weren't met, but how is that fair? I had put those perimeters on something I have never attended, on people I had never met, and on myself when what I really needed was to be open and honest with myself. As I've been home, more connecting has been happening, even more encouragement that I wasn't expecting, and some self awareness is happening as well. God knew I needed reminded that things happen in His time, and that they are perfect. I need to angle my ears to hear more of Him, and I need to let down some expectations and grow closer to Him. Like Beth said, "There is only 1 thing that will fill my cup."

Encouragement

I'm guessing some adoptive mommas have heard of Created for Care, but if you haven't you can check it out here.  Briefly put, it is a weekend retreat with adoptive mommas to encourage us. I finally get to go this year!! The past 2 years I have wanted to go, but last year I was on the road of recovery from my hysterectomy and anxiously waiting for our picture of Zola.

It is strange to me thinking that almost 1 year ago, we were preparing for such a life changing operation. I've said this in a lot of posts, but it truly was the best choice for our family. There are moments though when I stop and think, pregnancy will never be something I will experience. Then following those thoughts, these come next, there are so many that don't experience what I have with Zola.

Today as we were celebrating my mother in laws birthday, talking about our children, I chimed in with, " I never knew I could love something so much." It is truly amazing. There is not a single moment she doesn't feel like mine. She is my daughter and somehow I am lucky enough to be her mom.

Reflecting on where Kyle and I both were a year ago, seems almost surreal. It was a dark time for us. On the outside we were fine, we did our daily routines, but we were aching for that picture. I remember waking up in the recovery room very cold, shivering I think, but the first words out of my mouth were, "did we get a picture of our little girl?" I'm sure the nurse was very confused, but I thought for sure we would be matched that day. I began thinking everyday was "the day" during recovery, and that was hard. I was on the couch, almost only thinking of our daughter. I remember dreading the weekend because that meant nothing was going to happen. I was on the phone with our agency, other adoptive mommas, emailing our agency with no end in sight. I was obsessing over something completely out of my control. Like, I said, it was a dark time.

If anyone out there is waiting, I just want to encourage you, it will happen. Those words were said to me, texted to me, emailed to me, anyway of communication really. I'll be perfectly honest and say that I was starting to not believe them. It felt like forever. It felt impossible. We prayed every single night for our match. Looking back on it, I'm so grateful it wasn't any other day than  March 21st. It was Zola. God knows our hearts, He truly understands what the wait is like. He waits daily for His children to come home to Him. It will happen. Stay strong, lean into people who have been down this road, even if you think they are full of bologne and don't understand how you feel. (They usualy do)

Even though it hasn't been a year since our match with Zola, an entire year sure does make a difference. That little girl sleeping in her bed is home with us, and loved so much. Not just by our family, but her Ethiopia family too. 

Home is Where the Heart is

For the past 2 nights, I have stayed with my mom and step dad, because I don't particularly like being home without Kyle overnight. It was also really nice to get out of the house with this snow storm.

They have moved out of the house, that I "grew up" in, but it was still nice to feel at home. It made me realize, it's not about the house, or the things, it's about family. Things are different, and it's not exactly the same as when I grew up with everyone home and the noise, etc, but it was still home. To be honest, I feel that way many places, at my dads, at my in-laws, and even at some good friends homes. It's a wonderful feeling too, knowing I can go open the cupboard and look for a snack, or grab a drink, or go upstairs to use the restroom instead of the one mainly for guests. They may seem silly, but those little things make me feel at home, no matter where or who I am with.

This past week I talked to my dad, and he told me that they sold my grandma's house. It really is a good thing, and we are thankful it sold to a family. However, I got a little teary eyed thinking about never going back. When my grandma knew we were coming, she would sit in one of the front bedrooms on the bed and just wait for us. She would always be there to greet us at the door. The same hugs, the smile, the same smells. I actually feel like I'm there now. I would spend a week with her in the summertime, playing rummy, bingo, and getting to keep all the change from her change purse and cash it in for dollar bills. I could ramble (which I already am) for a long time about the memories. I love having those memories sitting around her table talking, or playing a game.

Today I was able to facetime with my other grandma and we were talking about my grandma's house selling, and she was happy to hear about it. We then got to chatting about the house she was in for awhile and all the memories there too. It was fun, and there were a lot of things I remembered, that she didn't. Like the turkey giblets on Thanksgiving, using my aunts scuba tank to cool us down on hot days, and listening to Point of Grace CD's. I hope she enjoyed talking about it as much as I did.

All these memories, and just over the past few days really has me thinking about Zola. I want to always be striving to making memories with Zola as a family. I want her to love coming home after school, after sleep overs, and especially in high school and college. There may be times she doesn't want to leave her friends, and I understand that, but I want her to want to be home with us more often than not.

We all have memories, whether they are good or bad. My hope and prayer is that the good out weigh the bad always in our family, extended family included. Family is important, they are for the most part always there for each other. Part of that though, is creating memories. So, tomorrow we will create some more.

2014

I highly doubt I need to tell anyone that life with a one year old is busy. In case you don't know though, it is. It is so busy, but so fun, and makes all the moments I used to have to myself worth it. On top of having a busy 15 month old, I started doing some therapy 2 days a week with one of my favorite families outside of my own.

Besides being busy with Zola and work, we have been busy with the holidays, and family get togethers. As well as trying to spend time with some friends. Lately, one of our biggest questions we have been getting is, " Are you going to adopt again?" Our answer is always yes, but usually what followed the first question is, "When?" That question we haven't been able to answer because we truly didn't know. Our story is so different that I guess I never really thought that people would ask when and are we adopting again. We don't mind it at all, we just didn't have a solid answer.

Kyle and I have talked and talked, honestly it's probably a once a week topic in our conversations. We said we would wait until January to talk about it, but our conversation came a few days early. Kyle and I are so completely content right now, and we truly feel that God is blessing us with that feeling. For 3 years we have longed and waited for Zola, on top of our adoption waiting, we tried to get pregnant for a year. We are plain and simply content. We are excited to take vacations this year, and make memories with Zola and with each other in 2014. For 2 years, we didn't take many vacations so we could save money, and save our days off for our travel to Ethiopia. We are excited to see what this year holds for us as a family.

There may be some people who think we are selfish, but we won't apologize for spending these moments, and let me tell you they go so fast with our sweet girl. We will adopt again, but we will be taking 2014 to save, make memories, and enjoy Zola. Our hearts will always be in Ethiopia, so maybe that will be next, but maybe it won't? We are still praying about what's next, but also enjoying this time of contentment. I truly believe God wants us all to be content, each person's contentment is different, but I hope in 2014, you can find contentment in some area of your life. :)