Days, weeks, months...

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, and months turned into comparison.

On a daily basis, something will come up and I think to myself, I should blog about that. Then, not even a split second later, another crosses my mind... Why would anyone want to read what you have to say.

This has been an ongoing struggle lately, and it has taken me a lot of time to actually sit down and write this. I've thought about how I would re-introduce the blog, what should I talk about, etc. As I've been chewing on those thoughts, I came to realize, blogging is great for me. If someone stumbles upon it, then wonderful! Otherwise, I want to do this for myself. It's not about what others think, or the fact that my blog may no be as "big" as some others.

So, here I am.... jumping back into things. Most of my posts have been about our adoption journey and everything that has come with that. There will most definitely be posts about adoption and our journey, and what will come next. But, now there are lots of things I want to talk about. So here's to getting back into it, not comparing, and posting more often than every 6 months.

The Big 3-0!

Today is Kyle's 30th birthday! I'm sure he hates that I'm putting up pictures and blog posts about his birthday, because he doesn't love being the center of attention. However, there are times he just needs to be bragged on a little extra ;)

3 years ago on this exact date, we didn't get the news we were hoping from the fertility Dr. we were seeing. It wasn't a cut and dry, "You'll never get pregnant." But the list of things that were going against us was enough odds for us to know it wouldn't happen.

It didn't take long for me to start researching adoption agencies, as in, while I was resting on the couch that day, I was doing research. I emailed agencies, maybe even called a few. I told Kyle I wanted no part in the drugs, needles, procedures etc. and luckily he felt the same way.

The way God orchestrated that day was nothing short of a miracle. Because our appointment was on his birthday, and we didn't get "good" news, and because I may be a bit crazy to research that day, and because Kyle followed God's leading, we have Zola home today.

My heart is soaring with the fact that Kyle gets to celebrate a special birthday with his daughter. She brought us hope when we were hopeless in some of those dark days. Seeing Kyle in the role as father makes me love him even more than I did. Zola is one lucky lady to have him as her dad. He works hard for us, he is selfless, and his love is unconditional not only to Zola but to me too. He is quick to forgive, and would do absolutely anything for his family.

When I was growing up I never imagined my life to be this way, but then again I never thought I deserved a man quite like Kyle. He shows me how to be strong, and to be passionate about life. He keeps me grounded when I need it the most, and sticks up for me when I just can't. You should all be jealous you didn't marry him and get to watch him be daddy to Zola. Kyle, I love you! Thank you for supporting me through thick and thin, good and bad, and in sickness and in health. You have given truth to every one of our vows already. Happy Birthday!!

The Hardest Day of My Life

One year ago today was hands down the hardest day of my life. We were visiting Zola for the last time before we were to board a plane and fly home...without her.

That day the baby room was so quiet, and we bonded with Zola so much. We were able to be in areas all by ourselves, and just love on our sweet girl. All of the days prior we were able to feed her. But that day when it was time to feed her, they took her. Gave her a bottle, and put her in her crib. It was almost time for us to leave, so we assumed that was our goodbye. So quick.

Kyle and I walked out of the room in tears, just hugging each other, looking out the window waiting for our driver. We were blessed enough to hold her once more because she ate quickly and got a proper goodbye. Tears staining our cheeks, and lots of hugs and kisses.

I remember crying all the way back to the hotel to get our bags to go to the airport. When we got to the hotel, I had to pull myself together to finish things up. Stepping out of that van, and crossing the threshold of the airport, the tears came again. I was on my way to America, without her. We got through the ticket line, and then to the visa counter. At that point, there was no turning back. We waited to board, and once again I cried as I waited in that line. It was such a hard feeling, knowing we were leaving her in someone's care half way around the world once we got home. The comforting part was that the nannies were wonderful, and she was getting really good care.

When we were in line, another American asked how long we had been waiting, and we ended up sitting next to them on the flight. Funny how God show's up in the smallest details.

Although our wait at home was short compared to some, it wasn't easy.

Tonight after dinner, as Zola was dancing and playing, I just watched her with tears in my eyes. She was home, and we never have to be apart again. Thank you Lord for this story, this path, and for Zola.

Becoming a Spiritual Mother

A few weeks ago I started following SheReadsTruth on Instagram and fell in love with what they were about, and decided to jump on board. I started with the book of Titus. 

I've been so excited to get into the book of Titus, because honestly I didn't know much about the book, and truthfully because I've been lacking into getting into the Word enough. This has been a wonderful challenge for me and Titus 2:1-5 have spoken the most to me. (So far, it's only day 4)

In my college years, I took a few Bible classes, and I know how rare it really is that women are even acknowledged. We were kind of lumped together with the word men, so when I see something specifcically to women, I get excited. In verse 3 and 4, it tells it all. As I got to verse 4, one name really stuck out to me that I have had the privelage of mentoring/teaching over the last almost 10 years.

I was a freshman in college and my youth pastor at the time suggested that I become a small group leader. I thought the man was nuts! ME?! Why would he think I could do a job like that? ( I wonder if Titus ever felt that way too? He had a big job on his hands.) I prayed about it and said yes. I was blessed with 10 girls in 7th and 8th grade.

One girl, stuck through it all, from the very beginning. She came to almost every event, every Sunday night service, every get together. She was devoted and young. We quickly became close, and her family was included in that.

We have been through a lot together, ups and downs, times of grieving and times of pure joy. When I think of her, I think of words like, joyful, faithful, present, wise, beautiful, God fearing. Those are big bold words for a 22 year old. Although I have mentored her, she has mentored me even though she's younger. She's taught me about faith, she's taught me to be joyful in the hard and easy times.

I just want to take a moment to list some of the things we have done together: served at church (a lot), church camp, I was honored to baptize her, high school graduation, my college graduation, my wedding, her proms, my adoption journey, and now I get to stand with her as her matron of honor in a few short weeks as she commits to spending her life with her best friend. (I'm tearing up as I write this.)

This friends, is a relationship I hope and pray that my daughter will get. I also pray that I will be bold enough to ask someone to be my mentor as well. This is no pat on my back, this a pat on the back from God alone. He knew we would be this close, and He knew I needed to be asked to be part of her life. I am humbled, I took a step of faith, and I was brave even if it was for a brief moment when I said "yes."  When I look back at that, I couldn't be more thankful I did.

Proud

Today was probably the first day I ever felt completely out of place since being home with Zola. It wasn't a woe is me type of out of place feeling, just a realization I'll never understand what these mommas went through.

Most of the conversations were about are you going to have a second, are you preventing another pregnancy, how was your first one, etc. As tough as our infertility road was, and I was so sad and upset at times, I am so thankful I don't have to endure the other side. Bravo to those that do, but God knew I was meant to be an adoptive momma only.

Even though I missed the first 10 months of Zola's life, the initial bond and love is something I imagine what giving birth is like, minus all the pushing ;) When Kyle handed her to me, I was in awe. I couldn't believe I finally was holding my baby girl. Again, since I've never experienced birth, I'm guessing those moms anticipated it as much as I did. While we waited I imagined what she might look like, I dreamed of what she may become, her characteristics, all things that other moms do as well. So, maybe we aren't so different.

I will never experience a pregnancy, but as of right now they haven't experienced the amazing bond, the love you can have for a child that has not an ounce of your blood, and the trust it took to get where we are. I'm so thankful and proud where God has steered our path. I will never look back and be saddened, or wish for something that didn't happen. I am proud.

June 7, 2013

This weekend marks the one year anniversary that we were told we could finally go to Ethiopia and meet Zola. Along with making her forever ours. I don't think I ever really went into detail about how it happened, and I know I didn't blog about our time in Ethiopia. As these big days are coming up, I wanted to write them down so I don't forget. I feel like I never could forget those moments, but I want to make sure Zola has them too.

Friday June 7, 2013 we were driving to some dear friends of ours wedding, in Kentucky. We were happy to be together, but quickly our conversation turned to when will we get our date? What is taking so long?
I usually did most of the calling, and this time Kyle called. I always felt like when he called, things got done. There was no news on the other end, but our caseworker said she would check on things. She called us back about 10 minutes later, and said "I hope you're ready to travel, you have to be in Ethiopian court by June 19."

That may seem like plenty of time, but they suggest you get there about 2 days before your court appointment, and you should arrive any day but Sunday so you can visit your child at your leisure. We immediately got off the phone and started looking into travel agencies. Did I mention we were going to Kentucky, and there was like no service anywhere! ;)

We pulled over, made the arrangements, and started calling family as soon as possible. I'm pretty sure we were smiling the rest of the trip that weekend. We talked about what it may be like to meet her, what the country would be like, and honestly how difficult it would be to leave, but I'll get to that.

The next week was a whirlwind as we packed, tried to finish up things at work, and then early Friday morning we were on our way!!

The Storyweaver

I first want to say thank you for everyone who took the time to vote for me, shared my link, and encouraged me as I tried to win a trip to Rwanda with Noonday Collection. The contest isn't over yet, but I'm slowly slipping behind a few spots, and that's okay! I am honored how close I really got. At one point I was 33rd out of almost 400 women. I feel loved, truly!

One of my favorite parts of vacation is reading, finishing books, and starting new ones. I've had Tales of the Not Forgotten for awhile now. I have to be honest and say I didn't read it right away because we were waiting for Zola and it made me nervous. No idea why?! This book is amazing! It's by Beth Guckenberger. I've been lucky enough to hear her speak twice now. She speaks to my soul, verbally and written now.

I get upset when books are spoiled, so I won't say too much. What I do want to say though is, this book is about The Storyweaver. By the end of the book, you feel moved, excited, and ready to do something. As the Noonday contest is coming to a close it was a wonderful reminder that I don't have to go somewhere to do His work. I can find ways to help and serve. Maybe that's supporting a ministry, serving locally, or maybe one day there will be a trip away included. The Storyweaver didn't have this trip to Rwanda in my story, at least not yet. But, I entered, people shared, voted, etc and now more people know about the ministry of Noonday and my heart for Africa. Thank you Storyweaver for this opportunity to be used, even in the small paragraphs.