Pt. 2: The Search

A lot of people will ask me how we chose an adoption agency, and how we decided on Ethiopia, as far as countries to adopt from. 

When Kyle and I decided to start this process, we just celebrated his 26th birthday and I was only 25. Believe it or not, that's pretty young. At least in adoption world anyway. I did a lot of research on countries and requirements for each of them. A lot of countries had requirements we just didn't even come close to. Examples: married couples must be married for 5 years (we were about to celebrate our 2nd.), married couples must both be 30 years old, one spouse has to be 35, are you getting the picture here? We just didn't fit. Except, Ethiopia.

We had people ask us this during our process, "why not adopt here in the US, they need it too" We absolutely agreed with that statement, it didn't matter to us where our child came from, but we had to consider our emotions. At that time, we just didn't feel led to a US adoption. There is a reality that a birth mother could change her mind at the last minute and decide to parent her baby. We want what is best for any child, but we also knew ourselves. It just didn't seem like we could handle the emotional side of possibly losing a match during that time. I'm going to post more about that part of our story, but it wasn't a quick response to hearing bad news at one Dr. appointment. We had lost something that we weren't expecting and we had been through a lot within that past year.

Choosing an agency wasn't overwhelming to me. Maybe it was because I just wanted to start the process. However, we didn't just choose willy nilly either. A dear friend of mine's sister had adopted recently, so I asked about her agency. When I called the agency, they asked how I heard about them. I told them the child's name, but couldn't remember their last name at the time. They immediately knew who I was talking about. That was HUGE to me. The families weren't just numbers, they are families waiting for their children. I loved that, and it really made an impact on my decision. After talking to Kyle about it, we chose them and began our paperwork. 

Personally, I loved having a smaller agency. Ethiopia was a great match for our family, and ultimately brought Zola to us. The country, the culture, the people are all amazing and I'm so thankful God closed so many doors and Ethiopia was our choice.

Pt. 1: The Calling

Lately, I've been feeling led to really share more of my story. I believe we all have stories, and maybe some of them are similar and I find that helps so often. But, no two are the same, each one is uniquely different.

Kyle and I went to the same small high school, so we knew of each other. He was seriously the "cool kid" but not the jerky cool kid, the nice cool kid. Who was also good at everything, football, basketball, baseball, and incredibly smart. I on the other hand, let's just say I wasn't at the top of my class, and I didn't get any awards for outstanding athlete.

When Kyle was nearing the end of his Junior year, the big news going around school was that his mom and dad left for China to bring home a little girl and his mom was missing Mother's Day with her kids at home. I thought that was really cool, but sad she was missing her other kids. Because I had no real ties, there wasn't this deep feeling of emotion going on, yet.

In the fall his family would bring his sister to football games and I would notice them a lot. They actually sat really close to my parents during the games.

I guess you could say it somewhat started from there. During the next couple of years I remember talking to my grandma about adoption and what it meant in her life, because my dad was adopted. The conversations were always positive, but I hadn't yet put myself in her shoes.

Fast forward a few more years, and Kyle's family adopted again from China. This time the girls were in my small group at church. I was able to see how they interacted, their excitement, and their love. Looking back now, it was starting to stir things in my own heart, and I didn't even know.

Kyle and I had our first date, and adoption was a big topic of conversation. I said I was absolutely open to adopting and I'm sure I asked a lot of questions. Things started to get more serious in our relationship and we talked about it a lot. We had decided (funny how that works, right?) that it would be really neat to have biological children first and then adopt. (when we had saved up the money)

Fast forward to almost a year into our marriage, and I thought it was time to start trying to have a baby. When things weren't going as planned for us, and I had received some news that wasn't great, I made up my mind that day and started researching agencies.

Although, my calling wasn't in one moment, but over several years it was still my calling. I always felt a tug at my heart when James 1:27 was read "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." 

On July 21, 2011 that Calling turned into a YES.

If I didn't start researching that day, and getting information that day, it wouldn't be Zola. That calling is powerful, and I'm so thankful we said Yes together.

Mother's Day Past

We all know it's Mother's Day tomorrow. It's a great day to celebrate the moms in our lives, but as I reflect on the time before I was actually a mom, it was a really hard day.

Three years ago was probably the hardest of all Mother's Days. I knew there was a child half way across the world that I loved so much it hurt, but I had no idea who she was. I remember being in church, and seeing that white rose on the stage that represented the women who struggled with infertility, or who had lost a child. It was a nice sentiment for sure, but I honestly wanted to take that rose and throw it in the trash.

It seemed like that rose was just taunting me, it and no one else had any idea how I felt. I was longing to be a mom, but yet I had nothing. I was waiting with no end in sight. I was watching my friends, my family, and so many other women get to be moms way before me. It seemed so unfair, and I didn't get it. There were many days that I was just plain angry.

Somehow, I felt like I deserved to be a mom more than anyone else. That maybe, the world and God owed me something. I had already put in my time waiting, and still nothing? How was that fair?

Tonight, Zola and I watched some of our closest friends dedicate their son. It was so good to be there, and be on the other side. But, as we were singing "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin,
"All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my sight
High above my life
I will trust in you alone"

I just stared at Zola and I started to cry a little bit. Honestly, three years ago I'm not sure I would have believed those words whole heartily. I was feeling too selfish, and upset. Now though, I believe every single word. I waited for the time I did to be a mom, because I was supposed to be Zola's mom. I went through multiple surgeries because I was supposed to be healthy for my girl. I went to baby showers, held other babies, and waited because His ways are good. Easy, no. Not even for one second was this process easy, but it was good.

It's almost Mother's Day, and I'm thrilled to be celebrating this year with Zola home, but tonight as I'm going to bed my heart is breaking for those "moms" that are waiting. I remember being there and at times not knowing what was actually going to happen. His ways are good friends.

Community Next Door

Last Sunday I attended my first IF Table with some amazing women. It's something I had thought about for a long time, and I'm so excited about this opportunity. One of the first questions was about what we think community looks like and what it looks like to be vulnerable. It was a great question, and there were such wise responses, I loved it.

I think one of the first things I talked about was my neighbor, someone that after 5 years I couldn't imagine not being neighbors with. Thursday night I pulled into my driveway after a Noonday trunk show and couldn't believe it. The For Sale sign was actually in their yard. It was actually happening.

God had specifically planned out the fact that 1 week before our wedding, the house we wanted to buy, fell through. We lived in an apartment for the first 6 months of our marriage (and loved it!), then found a house we loved in the middle of winter. Which if you know me, was pretty impressive in itself. While we were painting our house, Janelle came over to give us a cookies and welcome us to the neighborhood. That was where it started.

We had very different schedules, but every once in awhile we would plan dinner at each others house. We would stay up late talking, laughing, and telling the stories of triumph and tragedy. After our first year in our house we found out that Janelle and I shared very similar infertility stories. I would never wish the heartache we went through on anyone, but boy was it nice to have someone to talk to, that actually understood what was going on. We could cry together, laugh together, and dream about our families whatever they would look like (someday).

Surprisingly, we started our adoption processes around the same time. They chose a domestic adoption and it happened quickly. I got knock on our door one day, saying they were chosen. 4 days later, they were in the hospital!! They had nothing, which was kind of beautiful. Kyle and I finished painting their nursery, got a baby bath, diapers, and some other necessities (along with other amazing people in their lives). We were even invited to be at the house when they came home from the hospital.

About a year later we got our match with Zola and they were some of our biggest fans. They were also invited to the airport when we came home with Zola. The best part, about 4 months prior she told me she was pregnant. Our families were being formed right before our eyes. All the pain and tears seemed like distant memories because we had our children we had been waiting for. We watched each other go through highs and lows, surgeries, adoptions, growing families, and now our kids becoming friends.

She's the one I call when I need butter, cheese, or eggs. She calls me for the same. We know each others families. We are both moms now. Our kids come running out the door to play with each other. We take walks together. That's community.

It's hard to imagine life without them right next door. Things are moving quickly with their house, and I have already cried lots of tears. Happy tears, sad tears, and jealous tears. (Jealous of whoever their next neighbors are) I'm excited for them, and the fact that it will greatly increase their family time together. I'm still pretty selfish though, I don't want them to go. Thankfully, they are friends and not *just* neighbors.

Failing with Pride

This past weekend at church a new series has started, and its called Keep Calm and Carry On. Each week it focuses on something different, and this past week was about Failure.

Failure is something that I'm going to assume everyone struggles with. I know I do for sure. It's one of those things that can overtake some days, or seasons of my life. I remember when we were trying to get pregnant, I felt like a failure. Like I was letting down Kyle, my family, his family, and myself. Wasn't that what a woman was made for, to have a pregnancy and be a mom? When I couldn't do that, in my eyes I was failing. God had different plans of course.

Even after bringing Zola home I felt like a failure at times. Like, when I would lose my patience, or the fact that we didn't bring home more children. Or, that the house wasn't perfectly clean and I didn't have an organic meal on the table when Kyle got home. Mom guilt at it's finest.

This past January I was at our annual Noonday Collection conference, SHINE. It was an amazing time! I learned so much and gained so many friends. One of our artisan partners from India was there, Moon. She got up to speak to over 300 people in a room, she had so much confidence it radiated off of her. It was amazing, she was so proud of the work she has done, and the difference she has made in lives of women in India, because of Noonday. Not for one second did I think she doubted her abilities and her calling.

I want to be more like that. I want to know that even when I do fail, it's okay. I want to walk with pride in who God has made me and what He has called me to do right now. Not what I think I should be doing, or what other people think I should be doing, but what He knows I should be doing, now.

Overwhelming Emotions

This weekend I was overwhelmed with emotion, but especially yesterday. I really love and enjoy listening to worship music. It's a way for me to feel really close to God. When I hear the words on the radio they really resonate with me, but there are some songs that when I see them written down, the emotions just take over. Yesterday, was one of those times. I had to try really hard not to let the big ugly cries come on.

The song was by Lauren Daigle, and you can listen to it here. Here are the lyrics that were getting me:
You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You brake my chains
You overcome
You gave Your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free

When I first began singing the words, they were all about God and what He did for us to many years ago by giving His Son. Then, I just read the words and listened and it quickly changed to thoughts of Zola's birth father. 

I'm very guilty of putting her birth father into the God role, often. He may or may not have had the choice but to give her up, but I can hardly fathom what those feelings would be like. He was literally giving her away, and even if he didn't know it, he was setting us free. We were now free from feeling so broken and lost without a child of our own. We were able to be free and call ourselves a family. My heart was free from holding onto anger that I could never birth a child of my own. I can't help but feel like he gave up his life, to give us ours so that we could be free.

Putting myself in his shoes is sometimes too hard to do. So, honestly I don't. I grieve for him though, and pray that he is so proud of his decision and that he is proud of himself. He is so selfless, wise, and loving.

The more I think of our story, and wonder why God led us down this beautiful journey, I fully believe it was so that we could experience a little glimmer of how He feels when one of His children become part of his Kingdom. I'm no God, and neither is Zola's birth father, but we and very few others will ever comprehend a little bit of those feelings. I know what it's like to love a child so much it hurts, because she is part of our family.

Tangled

It turns out that Zola loves Disney movies, which is absolutely fine by me because I do too. If we let her, she would sit and watch movies all day long. Don't worry, we don't ;) Although she has a great imagination and loves to act out different characters.

For Christmas, Zola got Tangled. I had only seen the movie 2 times before we watched it with her on Christmas day. Thankfully, I didn't have my make up on yet when the ending came. Thankfully, I know to grab a tissue now if I'm around for the ending, because no matter what, I cry every single time.

The entire movie is about the "lost princess" Rapunzel. She doesn't even know that she has parents longing to have her in their arms. She has no idea that they have been thinking about her for so many years. She also has no idea how loved she is. Those ideas, every single one of them remind me of waiting for Zola. She was a baby, so she would never understand those ideas but oh my, we felt those daily as we waited for her.

That moment when the guard throws open the doors of the room that her mom and dad are in are like the moment we got our phone call saying we were matched. We had finally heard the news we were waiting for, our princess was chosen and found. Then, the moment they are racing down the halls to meet her are like the moments we were racing to get everything in order to meet her. At last, that moment they open the doors and see their daughters face and go to hug her, were like the moments we walked through those doors in Ethiopia to meet her. The moment of just staring in awe, because that is our daughter. The moment of embracing in a hug that was so long awaited.

But then, my feelings get all Tangled up. Mother Gothel actually stole Rapunzel and her role was terribly mean. However, she lost something she treasured even if it was for the wrong reasons. That's when I start to think about Zola's birth father and how he must have felt. I can't imagine he didn't treasure her and was deeply saddened to lose her, but for all the right reasons.

Then, to top it all off Flynn Rider was orphaned. He finally got to see what it meant to have a family when Rapunzel was embraced in her mom and dad's arms. Beautiful, just beautiful. Thank you Disney for making this momma cry every time she watches Tangled.