The Hardest Day of My Life

One year ago today was hands down the hardest day of my life. We were visiting Zola for the last time before we were to board a plane and fly home...without her.

That day the baby room was so quiet, and we bonded with Zola so much. We were able to be in areas all by ourselves, and just love on our sweet girl. All of the days prior we were able to feed her. But that day when it was time to feed her, they took her. Gave her a bottle, and put her in her crib. It was almost time for us to leave, so we assumed that was our goodbye. So quick.

Kyle and I walked out of the room in tears, just hugging each other, looking out the window waiting for our driver. We were blessed enough to hold her once more because she ate quickly and got a proper goodbye. Tears staining our cheeks, and lots of hugs and kisses.

I remember crying all the way back to the hotel to get our bags to go to the airport. When we got to the hotel, I had to pull myself together to finish things up. Stepping out of that van, and crossing the threshold of the airport, the tears came again. I was on my way to America, without her. We got through the ticket line, and then to the visa counter. At that point, there was no turning back. We waited to board, and once again I cried as I waited in that line. It was such a hard feeling, knowing we were leaving her in someone's care half way around the world once we got home. The comforting part was that the nannies were wonderful, and she was getting really good care.

When we were in line, another American asked how long we had been waiting, and we ended up sitting next to them on the flight. Funny how God show's up in the smallest details.

Although our wait at home was short compared to some, it wasn't easy.

Tonight after dinner, as Zola was dancing and playing, I just watched her with tears in my eyes. She was home, and we never have to be apart again. Thank you Lord for this story, this path, and for Zola.

Becoming a Spiritual Mother

A few weeks ago I started following SheReadsTruth on Instagram and fell in love with what they were about, and decided to jump on board. I started with the book of Titus. 

I've been so excited to get into the book of Titus, because honestly I didn't know much about the book, and truthfully because I've been lacking into getting into the Word enough. This has been a wonderful challenge for me and Titus 2:1-5 have spoken the most to me. (So far, it's only day 4)

In my college years, I took a few Bible classes, and I know how rare it really is that women are even acknowledged. We were kind of lumped together with the word men, so when I see something specifcically to women, I get excited. In verse 3 and 4, it tells it all. As I got to verse 4, one name really stuck out to me that I have had the privelage of mentoring/teaching over the last almost 10 years.

I was a freshman in college and my youth pastor at the time suggested that I become a small group leader. I thought the man was nuts! ME?! Why would he think I could do a job like that? ( I wonder if Titus ever felt that way too? He had a big job on his hands.) I prayed about it and said yes. I was blessed with 10 girls in 7th and 8th grade.

One girl, stuck through it all, from the very beginning. She came to almost every event, every Sunday night service, every get together. She was devoted and young. We quickly became close, and her family was included in that.

We have been through a lot together, ups and downs, times of grieving and times of pure joy. When I think of her, I think of words like, joyful, faithful, present, wise, beautiful, God fearing. Those are big bold words for a 22 year old. Although I have mentored her, she has mentored me even though she's younger. She's taught me about faith, she's taught me to be joyful in the hard and easy times.

I just want to take a moment to list some of the things we have done together: served at church (a lot), church camp, I was honored to baptize her, high school graduation, my college graduation, my wedding, her proms, my adoption journey, and now I get to stand with her as her matron of honor in a few short weeks as she commits to spending her life with her best friend. (I'm tearing up as I write this.)

This friends, is a relationship I hope and pray that my daughter will get. I also pray that I will be bold enough to ask someone to be my mentor as well. This is no pat on my back, this a pat on the back from God alone. He knew we would be this close, and He knew I needed to be asked to be part of her life. I am humbled, I took a step of faith, and I was brave even if it was for a brief moment when I said "yes."  When I look back at that, I couldn't be more thankful I did.

Proud

Today was probably the first day I ever felt completely out of place since being home with Zola. It wasn't a woe is me type of out of place feeling, just a realization I'll never understand what these mommas went through.

Most of the conversations were about are you going to have a second, are you preventing another pregnancy, how was your first one, etc. As tough as our infertility road was, and I was so sad and upset at times, I am so thankful I don't have to endure the other side. Bravo to those that do, but God knew I was meant to be an adoptive momma only.

Even though I missed the first 10 months of Zola's life, the initial bond and love is something I imagine what giving birth is like, minus all the pushing ;) When Kyle handed her to me, I was in awe. I couldn't believe I finally was holding my baby girl. Again, since I've never experienced birth, I'm guessing those moms anticipated it as much as I did. While we waited I imagined what she might look like, I dreamed of what she may become, her characteristics, all things that other moms do as well. So, maybe we aren't so different.

I will never experience a pregnancy, but as of right now they haven't experienced the amazing bond, the love you can have for a child that has not an ounce of your blood, and the trust it took to get where we are. I'm so thankful and proud where God has steered our path. I will never look back and be saddened, or wish for something that didn't happen. I am proud.

June 7, 2013

This weekend marks the one year anniversary that we were told we could finally go to Ethiopia and meet Zola. Along with making her forever ours. I don't think I ever really went into detail about how it happened, and I know I didn't blog about our time in Ethiopia. As these big days are coming up, I wanted to write them down so I don't forget. I feel like I never could forget those moments, but I want to make sure Zola has them too.

Friday June 7, 2013 we were driving to some dear friends of ours wedding, in Kentucky. We were happy to be together, but quickly our conversation turned to when will we get our date? What is taking so long?
I usually did most of the calling, and this time Kyle called. I always felt like when he called, things got done. There was no news on the other end, but our caseworker said she would check on things. She called us back about 10 minutes later, and said "I hope you're ready to travel, you have to be in Ethiopian court by June 19."

That may seem like plenty of time, but they suggest you get there about 2 days before your court appointment, and you should arrive any day but Sunday so you can visit your child at your leisure. We immediately got off the phone and started looking into travel agencies. Did I mention we were going to Kentucky, and there was like no service anywhere! ;)

We pulled over, made the arrangements, and started calling family as soon as possible. I'm pretty sure we were smiling the rest of the trip that weekend. We talked about what it may be like to meet her, what the country would be like, and honestly how difficult it would be to leave, but I'll get to that.

The next week was a whirlwind as we packed, tried to finish up things at work, and then early Friday morning we were on our way!!

The Storyweaver

I first want to say thank you for everyone who took the time to vote for me, shared my link, and encouraged me as I tried to win a trip to Rwanda with Noonday Collection. The contest isn't over yet, but I'm slowly slipping behind a few spots, and that's okay! I am honored how close I really got. At one point I was 33rd out of almost 400 women. I feel loved, truly!

One of my favorite parts of vacation is reading, finishing books, and starting new ones. I've had Tales of the Not Forgotten for awhile now. I have to be honest and say I didn't read it right away because we were waiting for Zola and it made me nervous. No idea why?! This book is amazing! It's by Beth Guckenberger. I've been lucky enough to hear her speak twice now. She speaks to my soul, verbally and written now.

I get upset when books are spoiled, so I won't say too much. What I do want to say though is, this book is about The Storyweaver. By the end of the book, you feel moved, excited, and ready to do something. As the Noonday contest is coming to a close it was a wonderful reminder that I don't have to go somewhere to do His work. I can find ways to help and serve. Maybe that's supporting a ministry, serving locally, or maybe one day there will be a trip away included. The Storyweaver didn't have this trip to Rwanda in my story, at least not yet. But, I entered, people shared, voted, etc and now more people know about the ministry of Noonday and my heart for Africa. Thank you Storyweaver for this opportunity to be used, even in the small paragraphs. 

Number My Days

On the mornings that I work, on my way I usually listen to an Andy Stanley message. He is one of my all time favorite pastors, I love the way he teaches, he challenges me, and I love the mission of the church.

Wednesday I started a series called Breathing Room. This morning was all about Time. How do we create breathing room in our lives when it comes to time? What should I be adding and what should I be taking out of my schedule.

He told a story a woman who takes care of people who are terminally ill for the last 12 weeks of their lives. She said people's biggest regrets is not making time for things they had dreamed of. " I wish i had the courage to live a life full to myself, not what others expected from me." Funny how fitting that is for me right now. I am dreaming of winning this trip Rwanda, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "why would people vote for me to leave Zola?" "Who will help take care of Zola?" "Will Kyle be okay?" These are all things that I think other people will be thinking of. Some of them, I worry about. But, Kyle and I have talked and he is on board with the idea. I would miss Zola immensely, however I want her to see us taking risks, making our dreams come true, and watching us follow The Lords calling.

Even if I don't win, that's okay. I took the risk, I tried to pursue my dream right now, today! That's what God is asking, to make the most of our days. I truly believe that God has a plan and if this isn't trip He has planned for me, then another door will open. 

Dreaming... with Noonday

Often when I think about daydreaming, I think of school aged kids not focused on what they are supposed to be doing. When I stop and think about how I dream or even daydream I have come to realize it's a part of who most people are and it makes me excited!

When I get an idea in my head, I think about ways I can use that idea for the good. If can be part of this ministry, or start something of my own, then I can give back to the people in Africa. Then I call Kyle or wait until Zola goes to bed and we dream. We talk about how things can work, what type of marketing we could, what "group" we could target. It comes up every so often, but we haven't done much with our dreams... yet. We know God will open doors when the time is right, and I'm thankful we can dream together. I love the thought of daydreaming now, because I realize it's one of God's ways of communicating with us.

Recently Kyle and I have been chatting about how we can partner or sponsor women in Africa. Like a mentoring program almost. We love to idea of opening up a way to communicate, and have a relationship. I was just invited to a trunk show for Noonday by a gal that I have been "following" since we started our adoption process. I was lucky enough to meet her a few months back, and she made me dream a lot about Noonday. Noonday is a ministry that partners with women all over the world who make beautiful jewelry to sustain their living expenses. I bought my first pair of earrings a few months ago and wear them All The Time, if you've seen me lately, I probably had them on. I actually ended up selling some of my old jewelry to make room for Noonday pieces, because I love them, and because I truly believe in this ministry. You can check them out here: Noonday

In this specific invitation, there was more than just an invite to see the beautiful artwork these women make. I found out that Noonday is offering an all expense paid trip to Rwanda for a woman who is on board with the ministry of Noonday and who has a heart for these women. They will get to meet the women in Rwanda who make beautiful pieces of jewelry. I have signed up, but all I need now is for you to vote for me to win this trip!

If you click on this link Noonday Vote! scroll to the bottom, and vote for me, I'd be so grateful. You can vote once a day.  If this is the door God has open for me, then I'm so excited. If not, it's a great way for you to learn more about this ministry and all they do. Maybe you can start to dream more too.