Cinco de Mayo

For the past 5 years Kyle and I celebrate Cinco de Mayo in our own little way. It started out in Florida 5 years ago today, I made chicken enchiladas and that night he proposed on the beach, and I said "yes!"

Each year I make the same meal and we talk about that night and that special vacation we had together. Unfortunately I'm not with him this year to celebrate, but I still started thinking back on that day, that night, and that week. All that he was "signing up for."

It's amazing to see how much God has done in those 5 years. Kyle had no idea that he was asking to marry a woman who would never be able to have bio kids, or be in line for a lot of medical issues. I thank God he asked though, because I couldn't imagine doing all of it without him. When you're younger you have this vision and dream of what your married life will look like. When he asked, and I said yes, we had no idea what was really about to happen.

I like to think that even if he knew those things, he would have asked me anyway. I think that way, because never once has Kyle made me feel guilty, or less of a woman because of my infertility. We are actually thankful for it in many ways. He is always supporting me in anything I do, and we are following the story that God has written, instead of us.

Our lives have been forever changed by the things we have gone through at such a young age, and I can't speak for him, but I love it. I love being a younger couple who has adopted, a couple who will only experience children through adoption, a couple who has been to Africa together, a couple who have made through it a lot with God on our side. We stand up for each other, we balance each other, and we dream together.

These past 5 years I could have never imagined what was going to happen, and I can't wait to see what the next 5 will hold. Kyle, thanks for asking me to be your wife, your best friend, your cheerleader, and now the mother of your first child. We are blessed. 

A Yes Girl into a No Girl

I'm a lot like my mom when it comes to making people happy. I will go out of my way to make sure people are content or happy if it's possible. I would consider myself a "yes" girl. I honestly, don't like to say no, but I've been realizing it is okay to say no sometimes.

Before Zola I could make plans pretty much whenever I wanted to. I would always consult Kyle first, but if I needed to do something in the evenings (especially) he could work. I loved being able to be dependable, and to have that flexibility. I never really thought too hard about being a yes girl until we brought Zola home. It has been an interesting transition to go down the road of no more often. I'm also learning that there are seasons to be able to say yes again, but the season to say yes isn't the one we are in right now. (and that's okay)

By no stretch of the imagination am I glad that I've turned into a no girl, but there are moments I wish I could say yes. However, that little girl can make me a no girl as long she wants. When Kyle gets home from work, our evenings begin. Dinner is being prepared, and we are ready to have some fun. Zola LOVES her daddy and so do I. After our night time routines are done and Zola is in bed, and I come down stairs, Kyle and I marvel at how much fun she is. We take in the moments, we laugh (hard, sometimes until we cry), we are astonished at the new things she had done that day, and we truly enjoy being home together.

Kyle and I both will say no to things so that we can enjoy those 2 hours with Zola and as a family. We may plan things later on after she's in bed every once in awhile, but we love to be home and we can tell Zola does too. She is such a blessing, and a constant reminder what family is all about. So as much as I'd like to say "yes" to a lot, I am becoming a "no" girl. 

Expectations

As I posted last week I attended a conference for adoptive moms called Created for Care. I went into last weekend with some expectactions, and throughout the weekend and as I left I felt like they weren't met. Expectations are hard, they are almost like a fairy tale, that rarely happens exactly how we think it will.

I have been blessed to hear Beth Guckenberger who is a huge part in a ministry called Back2Back Ministries. She is an amazing speaker, convicting but not to feel guilty, and an amazing heart for The Lord, her family, and orphans. There were several topics she spoke about that really stirred things in my heart.

First, one of her stories about what she expected Saturdays with her family to be, and then the reality of what really happened. She took a step back to truly figure out why she had these expectations, and she realized she needed to be closer to The Lord during that time. I feel like I do this all too often whether it's what my day will look like, the weekend, holidays, etc.

Second, as she was teaching on Is. 45:2 (NIV) I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. She went to say that " We serve a Lord who is always on time." Not sometimes, not most of the time, but ALWAYS. I remember all too well thinking The Lord had this all wrong during our journey. I remember times when I was single, thinking I'm never going to get married, I'm not going to find the perfect job, honestly the list could go on. Satan is too good at telling us God isn't on time. The truth is though, God is ALWAYS on time, and it's His time, definitely not ours.

If all those instances I just talked about happened on my time, my life would be so different. There were times of doubt, but deep deep down I knew God had a plan. He had a plan for me to stay in Indiana, meet Kyle, go through our tough journey, and wait for that perfect referral of Zola. He knew she was meant for our family. It is hard being in those times of uncertainty and the waiting, but oh my God's timing is perfection.

Lastly, in Ps. 23 Beth was explaining to us about the green pastures we all imagine, but she was able to see first hand that there aren't always green pastures where these shepherds lead their sheep. There are times when the shepherd has to tell the sheep where to find their next bites, and it may only be a couple bites at a time. After those couple bites, the sheep angle their ears back toward to the shepherd to listen where their next bite will come from. How convicting... how often do I think I know where my next "bite" comes from. Too often, is the answer. I'd guess a lot of us feel that way. I need to be focusing on listening to The Lord where my next "bite" will come from no matter the size.

Leaving this weekend I felt like my expectations weren't met, but how is that fair? I had put those perimeters on something I have never attended, on people I had never met, and on myself when what I really needed was to be open and honest with myself. As I've been home, more connecting has been happening, even more encouragement that I wasn't expecting, and some self awareness is happening as well. God knew I needed reminded that things happen in His time, and that they are perfect. I need to angle my ears to hear more of Him, and I need to let down some expectations and grow closer to Him. Like Beth said, "There is only 1 thing that will fill my cup."

Encouragement

I'm guessing some adoptive mommas have heard of Created for Care, but if you haven't you can check it out here.  Briefly put, it is a weekend retreat with adoptive mommas to encourage us. I finally get to go this year!! The past 2 years I have wanted to go, but last year I was on the road of recovery from my hysterectomy and anxiously waiting for our picture of Zola.

It is strange to me thinking that almost 1 year ago, we were preparing for such a life changing operation. I've said this in a lot of posts, but it truly was the best choice for our family. There are moments though when I stop and think, pregnancy will never be something I will experience. Then following those thoughts, these come next, there are so many that don't experience what I have with Zola.

Today as we were celebrating my mother in laws birthday, talking about our children, I chimed in with, " I never knew I could love something so much." It is truly amazing. There is not a single moment she doesn't feel like mine. She is my daughter and somehow I am lucky enough to be her mom.

Reflecting on where Kyle and I both were a year ago, seems almost surreal. It was a dark time for us. On the outside we were fine, we did our daily routines, but we were aching for that picture. I remember waking up in the recovery room very cold, shivering I think, but the first words out of my mouth were, "did we get a picture of our little girl?" I'm sure the nurse was very confused, but I thought for sure we would be matched that day. I began thinking everyday was "the day" during recovery, and that was hard. I was on the couch, almost only thinking of our daughter. I remember dreading the weekend because that meant nothing was going to happen. I was on the phone with our agency, other adoptive mommas, emailing our agency with no end in sight. I was obsessing over something completely out of my control. Like, I said, it was a dark time.

If anyone out there is waiting, I just want to encourage you, it will happen. Those words were said to me, texted to me, emailed to me, anyway of communication really. I'll be perfectly honest and say that I was starting to not believe them. It felt like forever. It felt impossible. We prayed every single night for our match. Looking back on it, I'm so grateful it wasn't any other day than  March 21st. It was Zola. God knows our hearts, He truly understands what the wait is like. He waits daily for His children to come home to Him. It will happen. Stay strong, lean into people who have been down this road, even if you think they are full of bologne and don't understand how you feel. (They usualy do)

Even though it hasn't been a year since our match with Zola, an entire year sure does make a difference. That little girl sleeping in her bed is home with us, and loved so much. Not just by our family, but her Ethiopia family too. 

Home is Where the Heart is

For the past 2 nights, I have stayed with my mom and step dad, because I don't particularly like being home without Kyle overnight. It was also really nice to get out of the house with this snow storm.

They have moved out of the house, that I "grew up" in, but it was still nice to feel at home. It made me realize, it's not about the house, or the things, it's about family. Things are different, and it's not exactly the same as when I grew up with everyone home and the noise, etc, but it was still home. To be honest, I feel that way many places, at my dads, at my in-laws, and even at some good friends homes. It's a wonderful feeling too, knowing I can go open the cupboard and look for a snack, or grab a drink, or go upstairs to use the restroom instead of the one mainly for guests. They may seem silly, but those little things make me feel at home, no matter where or who I am with.

This past week I talked to my dad, and he told me that they sold my grandma's house. It really is a good thing, and we are thankful it sold to a family. However, I got a little teary eyed thinking about never going back. When my grandma knew we were coming, she would sit in one of the front bedrooms on the bed and just wait for us. She would always be there to greet us at the door. The same hugs, the smile, the same smells. I actually feel like I'm there now. I would spend a week with her in the summertime, playing rummy, bingo, and getting to keep all the change from her change purse and cash it in for dollar bills. I could ramble (which I already am) for a long time about the memories. I love having those memories sitting around her table talking, or playing a game.

Today I was able to facetime with my other grandma and we were talking about my grandma's house selling, and she was happy to hear about it. We then got to chatting about the house she was in for awhile and all the memories there too. It was fun, and there were a lot of things I remembered, that she didn't. Like the turkey giblets on Thanksgiving, using my aunts scuba tank to cool us down on hot days, and listening to Point of Grace CD's. I hope she enjoyed talking about it as much as I did.

All these memories, and just over the past few days really has me thinking about Zola. I want to always be striving to making memories with Zola as a family. I want her to love coming home after school, after sleep overs, and especially in high school and college. There may be times she doesn't want to leave her friends, and I understand that, but I want her to want to be home with us more often than not.

We all have memories, whether they are good or bad. My hope and prayer is that the good out weigh the bad always in our family, extended family included. Family is important, they are for the most part always there for each other. Part of that though, is creating memories. So, tomorrow we will create some more.

2014

I highly doubt I need to tell anyone that life with a one year old is busy. In case you don't know though, it is. It is so busy, but so fun, and makes all the moments I used to have to myself worth it. On top of having a busy 15 month old, I started doing some therapy 2 days a week with one of my favorite families outside of my own.

Besides being busy with Zola and work, we have been busy with the holidays, and family get togethers. As well as trying to spend time with some friends. Lately, one of our biggest questions we have been getting is, " Are you going to adopt again?" Our answer is always yes, but usually what followed the first question is, "When?" That question we haven't been able to answer because we truly didn't know. Our story is so different that I guess I never really thought that people would ask when and are we adopting again. We don't mind it at all, we just didn't have a solid answer.

Kyle and I have talked and talked, honestly it's probably a once a week topic in our conversations. We said we would wait until January to talk about it, but our conversation came a few days early. Kyle and I are so completely content right now, and we truly feel that God is blessing us with that feeling. For 3 years we have longed and waited for Zola, on top of our adoption waiting, we tried to get pregnant for a year. We are plain and simply content. We are excited to take vacations this year, and make memories with Zola and with each other in 2014. For 2 years, we didn't take many vacations so we could save money, and save our days off for our travel to Ethiopia. We are excited to see what this year holds for us as a family.

There may be some people who think we are selfish, but we won't apologize for spending these moments, and let me tell you they go so fast with our sweet girl. We will adopt again, but we will be taking 2014 to save, make memories, and enjoy Zola. Our hearts will always be in Ethiopia, so maybe that will be next, but maybe it won't? We are still praying about what's next, but also enjoying this time of contentment. I truly believe God wants us all to be content, each person's contentment is different, but I hope in 2014, you can find contentment in some area of your life. :) 

Comforting Arms

If any of you have kids, you probably know the feeling when your child just melts into your arms and falls asleep. There is truly nothing like it. Since we brought Zola home at an older infant age, and because she is such a wonderful sleeper, these moments have been few and far between. We don't complain though, because she usually goes right down for her naps and for bed time. We are very thankful she is such a good sleeper, and can sooth herself to sleep. But, when those moments come that she does fall asleep in our arms, they are so cherished.

I just encountered one, literally minutes ago. We were on our way to music class, but she just wasn't having the car ride. She has gotten quite used to being in the car, so I knew she was tired. The tell tale signs of, rubbing her eyes, yawning, and crying in the car. We turned around, and I came home to lay her down. She chatted for awhile, like usual, and then I thought she fell asleep. She didn't, and that was fine. I went up to get her, and just scooped her up and sat on our rocking chair, she immediately lay her head on my chest and just melted into me. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to get up, and I was cherishing this moment. It took about 5 minutes, with heavy eyes, but she fell asleep. Those sweet little lips pursed together, her breathing, and her arms wrapped around mine... something I will never forget. I then realized before I went up I had her noodles on the stove, so I did have to lay her down and let her sleep in her crib, true mom moment right there ;)

There are so many days, I lay her down and come downstairs to clean up, meal plan, or take a moment to eat some lunch. I'm thankful for today that I was able to stop doing things, and embrace that sweet moment.

As I was sitting up there with her in my arms, I thought to myself, how often is God doing the same thing? Just waiting for us to come into His embrace and just melt into Him. How often am I not doing this? Honestly, I can answer that question with not enough. It was such a wonderful reminder that I need to push off some of my housework and melt into His arms when I have my free time. I try so hard to be the best mom and wife on the outside, that sometimes I forget where my focus needs to be constantly. Without Him first I won't be the best mom and wife that God has created me to be. I cannot do this on my own. I pray daily for God's strength and wisdom in raising Zola, but I need to be more diligent besides just in prayer.

Today marks November 1st, and a lot of people take this month to remind themselves what they are thankful for. I try to do this daily, but I am forever thankful for the sweet moment with Zola today and the reminder that God is waiting for those moments with me too.