Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Pt. 4: The Wait

This post could probably be split into a lot of separate ones because there was so much waiting for us. I know there are many that have and will wait longer than we did. However, when we were in the middle of the wait, it felt like forever.

The day we chose an agency is when I started the wait, but really it started a year before that for me. I had been longing to be a mother even a year prior, so add another 2 years, and it felt like an eternity.

While we were in the beginning stages of our process, I had my first surgery. From the sounds of it, there could be some serious hope that we could actually get pregnant. We had started the process because I felt like the chances were slim, but when a Dr. is telling you to try, you hold onto a little bit of a hope that's given.

Fast forward 3 months, and a lot of pain. I had another surgery scheduled to help with the pain and mainly for a serious health concern. A week after my surgery, we had to go get our fingerprints taken. Even then our process was still moving along. The fingerprints were the last thing to do on our list.

After that surgery I was finally feeling better than I had in the past. Those times were actually difficult. I didn't have a lot distracting me. Time was going slowly. I remember calling my mother in law crying at times wondering if I could actually make it through this waiting time. I remember being upset when people would ask if we had been matched, or when we were bringing home our daughter. I remember what it was like processing the emotions of watching yet another friend become pregnant, sometimes for the 2nd time. The wait was hard.

There were good times though. We went on vacations, dates, spent time with family and friends. We had a lot of freedom to do things when we wanted to, etc. Looking back now, it was good to have that time to wait. To grow more in love with each other, to build stronger friendships, and relationships. To see our family and friends support us like crazy was nothing short of amazing. If everything happened in my time. God wouldn't have been able to humble us, and let our people support us the way they did. 

I started to have a lot of complications with my health in February 2013.  I knew I had to take the most drastic measure and have a hysterectomy. It was something I said so easily to my Dr. but deep down in my heart, it was broken. My heart was broken. I felt broken physically. It was a feeling of failure. There was a part of me that didn't want to face society and especially my family. By the time I had my hysterectomy we had waited for 16 months for our match. It seemed like nothing was ever going to happen, and now I made a choice that could never be changed. Motherhood seemed so incredibly far away.

Those 2 weeks of recovery were dark. I cried, a lot. I felt alone, and lost. I had reached a point where I honestly didn't even know what to pray for anymore. Luckily, Kyle was my rock through that time and I'm quite certain he was throwing up some big prayers. Because on March 21st our lives were changed forever.

Redemption is now part of our story. The wait, the oh so long wait was worth it. We had that picture, and information about our daughter. God knew this was our story. The surgeries, the waiting, the pain and heartache. The good times with family and friends while we waited. The questioning at moments. It was His story woven into ours, the beautiful story of redemption. 

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