Choosing to See

Yes, yes, I know this is the title of a really great book, but it seemed fitting today. By the way, if you haven't read Choosing to See, by Mary Beth Chapin you really should, it's so good. Be ready to cry, happy and sad tears :)

Anyway, Tuesday wasn't the greatest day I've had in awhile. So far, through this process I've done my best to stay positive and be truly happy with how things are going even if it's slow. Tuesday just wasn't one of those days. As Kyle and I talked about how we were feeling on Tuesday he said something to me, " maybe you should take this time to work on you." At the time it seemed a little hurtful, like maybe I wasn't doing enough or doing things well. (this is always where my minds goes, Kyle by no means meant it that way). I continued to think about this and really focus on that phrase.

So, I'm Choosing to See the good in things. It's a good thing we are waiting as long as we are, no matter how long it is: It gives Kyle and I more time to focus on just our marriage, it gives us more time to save up money, it gives us more freedom to do things on the weekends, it gives us more time to make memories to tell our children, it gives us time to work on ourselves, it gives us more time to know the Lord, it gives us more time to dream, it gives us more to serve, it gives us more time to get healthy, it gives us more time...

These may not seem like a big deal, but when I look at them, I realize these really are great things to focus on. To be focused on the positive, to be focused on making ourselves better for our children. There are parts of me that feel selfish for wanting to do these things. I also know that it's probably good to be a little selfish now, so we can be good positive parents when the time comes.

 I love that God brought Kyle and I together to do life together. Being with Kyle is something I never imagined, and he is such a rock for me with everything we have been through. I can't wait to see him holding our children, to be kissing them, and to hear him talk about them. We talk about our nephews or our little sisters probably on a daily basis, and I can hear in his voice how proud he is of them. I can see the light in his eyes when he talks about them because he loves them so much. I love hearing his laughter when we talk about funny things they have said or done. I can't wait to hear in his voice how proud he is of our kids, the light in his eyes, and the laughter that will be coming out of him with our kids :)What a blessing that day will be, and it will come at the perfect time.

Choose to See the good today, even if it is hard.

Wishing I was Younger

I should really be enjoying my twenties. I hear they go fast, you learn a lot, you'll be in the best shape of your life, sounds pretty good to me. However, what most people don't tell you is how much pressure you have from the society that you should be a parent, or at least pregnant.

Today I was talking with someone where my mom and I get our haircut and we were talking about all that we have been through medically. We got on the subject of adoption, and I told her that I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of " why didn't you have your own children?" I should really be nice about it, but I'm sure I'll get to the point and just say, I can't bear children, and these are my own children. Let's be a little more open minded here people. Not 2 minutes later someone overheard that I was adopting, and then asked "are you going to have your own?" I mean seriously?! Not everyone is blessed with fertility, sorry I'm not one of them.

On my way home, I got an update that there was a referral today for an infant boy. Usually I get so excited and highlight a box from my list I made. Not today, I'm actually not excited at all. It took the family 1 year and 8 months for the referral. The baby isn't home yet, they haven't met him yet... there is still a lot to do and a lot of waiting.

My mother in law always tells me, adoption is not for the weak of heart. She is so right, and honestly I want to give up right now. I never in a million years wanted to wait to be a mother until I was almost 30. I guess that's when everyone laughs, and says well its not your plan, its Gods. Of course, everyone is right, but right now... I'm not too fond of this plan He has going in making me wait. This will be one of those times when I look back and say, boy I'm so glad God had us wait, or we could have missed out on whatever that may be. I can't see it now, which is probably the point, but it still doesn't make it easy.

I obviously don't know what it's like to be a mother yet, but there are so many people that just want their children home. There is no doubt that I'm sure they do, but most of them have a family already. They have kids, they have distractions. I wish now more than ever that I had that distraction. I wish there was a rule that if you don't have children you jump to the top of the list. I wish my babies were home right now and I didn't have to feel this way.

Wishing won't make anything happen though. I need to pray and pray hard, because God is a big God and He can still work miracles. I have to believe that right now and honestly hold on for dear life with that truth, because today it's hard.