I remember reading so many blogs while we were waiting to be matched with Zola. It was so good for my soul to read these stories of redemption, because some days (okay, a lot of days) I didn't know for sure if it would actually happen for us. There were other days it was hard to read, because I thought our story was different somehow, and they didn't truly know how I was feeling.
Now, being on both of sides of this spectrum I totally get it. I can see how people write these beautiful stories of redemption. But, there is a huge part of my heart that literally breaks for people going through infertility or their adoption journey where there isn't a specific answer, yet. It is just plain hard.
This past weekend at church, a very familiar song started playing. I listen to a lot of worship music, and so many times I just sing the words. I don't always let them settle into my soul. I have heard How He Loves Us, so many times. The words meant something to me, but not like they did Sunday morning. I think I finally understood what the words for me personally meant.
During our journey I honestly wondered sometimes if God really did love us. By us, I mean really me. I used to think so often that I was punished for some reason, and now it was trickling into Kyle's life too. I had to have done something to bring out the wrath in God that He is so capable of. I knew, He didn't do this to us, but so often I thought something different.
I remember pleading with God just to allow us to become pregnant, just once. I remember praying that He could make me super sick and give me a terrible pregnancy, but please oh please just let it happen. I reasoned with God, a lot. I thought if I prayed long or hard enough, He would show up and prove His love for us through a pregnancy.
That wasn't His plan though. Even though He didn't cause our infertility, He knew it was going to happen. He also knew our journey would end in redemption. He knew that I would understand a love so great, only He can comprehend it. He knew this day would come that I could look back and know He loved us on every single step of our journey. He knew we would encounter couples and families going through a similar story, and that being vulnerable sometimes would help in some little way.
Being a planner is my nature, so not knowing this plan was very hard for me. I didn't get the plan, I didn't understand it. I am so thankful God did though. Because, honestly if I knew what was coming I would have been even more inpatient than I was. If I would have known what was coming, I honestly wouldn't have believed we deserved it. Isn't that the beauty though? That we don't know and even though God may be answering pleads a different way than we have planned, it's beautiful and there is redemption. That's who He is.
My hope in these words is that someone truly knows they aren't alone in their journey. That these words give validation in how someone is feeling, and it is okay. My hope in these words is that you can truly believe He Loves Us.
Now, being on both of sides of this spectrum I totally get it. I can see how people write these beautiful stories of redemption. But, there is a huge part of my heart that literally breaks for people going through infertility or their adoption journey where there isn't a specific answer, yet. It is just plain hard.
This past weekend at church, a very familiar song started playing. I listen to a lot of worship music, and so many times I just sing the words. I don't always let them settle into my soul. I have heard How He Loves Us, so many times. The words meant something to me, but not like they did Sunday morning. I think I finally understood what the words for me personally meant.
During our journey I honestly wondered sometimes if God really did love us. By us, I mean really me. I used to think so often that I was punished for some reason, and now it was trickling into Kyle's life too. I had to have done something to bring out the wrath in God that He is so capable of. I knew, He didn't do this to us, but so often I thought something different.
I remember pleading with God just to allow us to become pregnant, just once. I remember praying that He could make me super sick and give me a terrible pregnancy, but please oh please just let it happen. I reasoned with God, a lot. I thought if I prayed long or hard enough, He would show up and prove His love for us through a pregnancy.
That wasn't His plan though. Even though He didn't cause our infertility, He knew it was going to happen. He also knew our journey would end in redemption. He knew that I would understand a love so great, only He can comprehend it. He knew this day would come that I could look back and know He loved us on every single step of our journey. He knew we would encounter couples and families going through a similar story, and that being vulnerable sometimes would help in some little way.
Being a planner is my nature, so not knowing this plan was very hard for me. I didn't get the plan, I didn't understand it. I am so thankful God did though. Because, honestly if I knew what was coming I would have been even more inpatient than I was. If I would have known what was coming, I honestly wouldn't have believed we deserved it. Isn't that the beauty though? That we don't know and even though God may be answering pleads a different way than we have planned, it's beautiful and there is redemption. That's who He is.
My hope in these words is that someone truly knows they aren't alone in their journey. That these words give validation in how someone is feeling, and it is okay. My hope in these words is that you can truly believe He Loves Us.
