We all know it's Mother's Day tomorrow. It's a great day to celebrate the moms in our lives, but as I reflect on the time before I was actually a mom, it was a really hard day.
Three years ago was probably the hardest of all Mother's Days. I knew there was a child half way across the world that I loved so much it hurt, but I had no idea who she was. I remember being in church, and seeing that white rose on the stage that represented the women who struggled with infertility, or who had lost a child. It was a nice sentiment for sure, but I honestly wanted to take that rose and throw it in the trash.
It seemed like that rose was just taunting me, it and no one else had any idea how I felt. I was longing to be a mom, but yet I had nothing. I was waiting with no end in sight. I was watching my friends, my family, and so many other women get to be moms way before me. It seemed so unfair, and I didn't get it. There were many days that I was just plain angry.
Somehow, I felt like I deserved to be a mom more than anyone else. That maybe, the world and God owed me something. I had already put in my time waiting, and still nothing? How was that fair?
Tonight, Zola and I watched some of our closest friends dedicate their son. It was so good to be there, and be on the other side. But, as we were singing "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin,
"All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my sight
High above my life
I will trust in you alone"
I just stared at Zola and I started to cry a little bit. Honestly, three years ago I'm not sure I would have believed those words whole heartily. I was feeling too selfish, and upset. Now though, I believe every single word. I waited for the time I did to be a mom, because I was supposed to be Zola's mom. I went through multiple surgeries because I was supposed to be healthy for my girl. I went to baby showers, held other babies, and waited because His ways are good. Easy, no. Not even for one second was this process easy, but it was good.
It's almost Mother's Day, and I'm thrilled to be celebrating this year with Zola home, but tonight as I'm going to bed my heart is breaking for those "moms" that are waiting. I remember being there and at times not knowing what was actually going to happen. His ways are good friends.
Three years ago was probably the hardest of all Mother's Days. I knew there was a child half way across the world that I loved so much it hurt, but I had no idea who she was. I remember being in church, and seeing that white rose on the stage that represented the women who struggled with infertility, or who had lost a child. It was a nice sentiment for sure, but I honestly wanted to take that rose and throw it in the trash.
It seemed like that rose was just taunting me, it and no one else had any idea how I felt. I was longing to be a mom, but yet I had nothing. I was waiting with no end in sight. I was watching my friends, my family, and so many other women get to be moms way before me. It seemed so unfair, and I didn't get it. There were many days that I was just plain angry.
Somehow, I felt like I deserved to be a mom more than anyone else. That maybe, the world and God owed me something. I had already put in my time waiting, and still nothing? How was that fair?
Tonight, Zola and I watched some of our closest friends dedicate their son. It was so good to be there, and be on the other side. But, as we were singing "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin,
"All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my sight
High above my life
I will trust in you alone"
I just stared at Zola and I started to cry a little bit. Honestly, three years ago I'm not sure I would have believed those words whole heartily. I was feeling too selfish, and upset. Now though, I believe every single word. I waited for the time I did to be a mom, because I was supposed to be Zola's mom. I went through multiple surgeries because I was supposed to be healthy for my girl. I went to baby showers, held other babies, and waited because His ways are good. Easy, no. Not even for one second was this process easy, but it was good.
It's almost Mother's Day, and I'm thrilled to be celebrating this year with Zola home, but tonight as I'm going to bed my heart is breaking for those "moms" that are waiting. I remember being there and at times not knowing what was actually going to happen. His ways are good friends.
