Expectations

As I posted last week I attended a conference for adoptive moms called Created for Care. I went into last weekend with some expectactions, and throughout the weekend and as I left I felt like they weren't met. Expectations are hard, they are almost like a fairy tale, that rarely happens exactly how we think it will.

I have been blessed to hear Beth Guckenberger who is a huge part in a ministry called Back2Back Ministries. She is an amazing speaker, convicting but not to feel guilty, and an amazing heart for The Lord, her family, and orphans. There were several topics she spoke about that really stirred things in my heart.

First, one of her stories about what she expected Saturdays with her family to be, and then the reality of what really happened. She took a step back to truly figure out why she had these expectations, and she realized she needed to be closer to The Lord during that time. I feel like I do this all too often whether it's what my day will look like, the weekend, holidays, etc.

Second, as she was teaching on Is. 45:2 (NIV) I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. She went to say that " We serve a Lord who is always on time." Not sometimes, not most of the time, but ALWAYS. I remember all too well thinking The Lord had this all wrong during our journey. I remember times when I was single, thinking I'm never going to get married, I'm not going to find the perfect job, honestly the list could go on. Satan is too good at telling us God isn't on time. The truth is though, God is ALWAYS on time, and it's His time, definitely not ours.

If all those instances I just talked about happened on my time, my life would be so different. There were times of doubt, but deep deep down I knew God had a plan. He had a plan for me to stay in Indiana, meet Kyle, go through our tough journey, and wait for that perfect referral of Zola. He knew she was meant for our family. It is hard being in those times of uncertainty and the waiting, but oh my God's timing is perfection.

Lastly, in Ps. 23 Beth was explaining to us about the green pastures we all imagine, but she was able to see first hand that there aren't always green pastures where these shepherds lead their sheep. There are times when the shepherd has to tell the sheep where to find their next bites, and it may only be a couple bites at a time. After those couple bites, the sheep angle their ears back toward to the shepherd to listen where their next bite will come from. How convicting... how often do I think I know where my next "bite" comes from. Too often, is the answer. I'd guess a lot of us feel that way. I need to be focusing on listening to The Lord where my next "bite" will come from no matter the size.

Leaving this weekend I felt like my expectations weren't met, but how is that fair? I had put those perimeters on something I have never attended, on people I had never met, and on myself when what I really needed was to be open and honest with myself. As I've been home, more connecting has been happening, even more encouragement that I wasn't expecting, and some self awareness is happening as well. God knew I needed reminded that things happen in His time, and that they are perfect. I need to angle my ears to hear more of Him, and I need to let down some expectations and grow closer to Him. Like Beth said, "There is only 1 thing that will fill my cup."

Encouragement

I'm guessing some adoptive mommas have heard of Created for Care, but if you haven't you can check it out here.  Briefly put, it is a weekend retreat with adoptive mommas to encourage us. I finally get to go this year!! The past 2 years I have wanted to go, but last year I was on the road of recovery from my hysterectomy and anxiously waiting for our picture of Zola.

It is strange to me thinking that almost 1 year ago, we were preparing for such a life changing operation. I've said this in a lot of posts, but it truly was the best choice for our family. There are moments though when I stop and think, pregnancy will never be something I will experience. Then following those thoughts, these come next, there are so many that don't experience what I have with Zola.

Today as we were celebrating my mother in laws birthday, talking about our children, I chimed in with, " I never knew I could love something so much." It is truly amazing. There is not a single moment she doesn't feel like mine. She is my daughter and somehow I am lucky enough to be her mom.

Reflecting on where Kyle and I both were a year ago, seems almost surreal. It was a dark time for us. On the outside we were fine, we did our daily routines, but we were aching for that picture. I remember waking up in the recovery room very cold, shivering I think, but the first words out of my mouth were, "did we get a picture of our little girl?" I'm sure the nurse was very confused, but I thought for sure we would be matched that day. I began thinking everyday was "the day" during recovery, and that was hard. I was on the couch, almost only thinking of our daughter. I remember dreading the weekend because that meant nothing was going to happen. I was on the phone with our agency, other adoptive mommas, emailing our agency with no end in sight. I was obsessing over something completely out of my control. Like, I said, it was a dark time.

If anyone out there is waiting, I just want to encourage you, it will happen. Those words were said to me, texted to me, emailed to me, anyway of communication really. I'll be perfectly honest and say that I was starting to not believe them. It felt like forever. It felt impossible. We prayed every single night for our match. Looking back on it, I'm so grateful it wasn't any other day than  March 21st. It was Zola. God knows our hearts, He truly understands what the wait is like. He waits daily for His children to come home to Him. It will happen. Stay strong, lean into people who have been down this road, even if you think they are full of bologne and don't understand how you feel. (They usualy do)

Even though it hasn't been a year since our match with Zola, an entire year sure does make a difference. That little girl sleeping in her bed is home with us, and loved so much. Not just by our family, but her Ethiopia family too.