I know it's been quite some time since I have updated, but there has
been a lot going and we have been very busy, on top of trying to keep on
top of our agency.
When we got to the top of the list in Oct, Oct 6th to be exact. I asked
if it would be out of the question to have a referral by Christmas, and
my coordinator said with quite a bit of confidence, that we would more
than likely have a referral by Christmas, we were beside ourselves. We
were starting to plan how to surprise our families, we were so so
excited. Well, as you can guess, Christmas was quickly approaching, and I
called our agency. I point blank asked, because we had had enough false
hope during our time of trying to get pregnant, that we didn't anymore.
Are we getting a referral or not? She said no.
Of course we were so bummed, and I cried. The next day, I called again
because I felt like there was more than just a no. So, I was able to
talk to someone else who informed that there are 2 cases of abuse in the
US that involved children adopted from ET. So, this was setting our
timeline way back. Long story short, this is awful for those kids, and
we so wish we could adopt the ones that made it out alive to prove that
not everyone is bad in their lives. This also resulted in the northern
region being put on pause, while there was an investigation.
From the sounds of it, things are moving along fine in the
investigation, and they are on the tail end of things. However, the big
man on campus who is making the decision on when to reopen the northern
region, is traveling right now. Last we knew he was in Canada. I'm
sorry, but what is in Canada?! It's cold and it's time for him to go
HOME! ;)
So during this time, there were many referrals, baby boys, toddler boys,
baby girls... NO toddler girls. Now, Kyle and I both felt the strong
urge that The Lord was telling us to adopt a toddler girl. So, because
of that we went on hold for all the other lists. I'm sure people are
thinking that wasn't a smart move and we shouldn't be choosy. We don't
feel like we are being choosy, we feel like that's what we were called
to do, but its been a tough road.
Everytime there is a referral, I think to myself, that could have been
us. (except the baby girls) We have lost out on about 4 referrals
because of our choice. We are not regretting our choice by any means. We
cannot wait to get our pictures, and to just have our daughter HOME.
But seeing those referrals does something to my heart I can't even
explain. I cry every single time, satan get's the strongest hold of me
and makes me doubt what choices I have had made. He makes me feel
terrible for a day and sometimes just plain angry.
I have to be completely honest and say that I have lost a lot of hope.
This system seems just as broken as the US, and there is nothing I can
do for my daughter. I want to fight for her and I want her to know that
we are doing everything in our power to bring her home... but right now,
I can't. She is just there by herself without us. This breaks my heart
daily, and there really is nothing we can do about it. So tough! I've
stopped carrying my phone with me everywhere, (in hopes to get "that"
call), if I email, I don't expect anything good to come from it. It's a
really rough time right now. I also know and seriously have to believe
that God is making this so so perfect and I will forget this heartache
I'm going through. I have to know and believe that soon I will be on the
other side encouraging others. I feel so strongly about adoption and
believe we are all called to do something about helping these families
and children, so I know and have to truly believe God has a much bigger
plan than I can see right now.
We pray nightly together for our daughter, and we have prayed for
patience, but have decided to stop praying for that. When we ask for
that, He challenges us, so now we are asking for things to move quickly.
We have been praying that prayer for months now, and I think we are
hearing loud and clear that answer is "no" right now. God answers, just
not always the way we would like things to go. So, now my prayer is just
going to be for our daughter. "Lord, I pray our daughter is safe today,
I pray that she is not seeing anything corrupt or broken in her little
life, I pray that she is being loved on and that her heart is learning
to love, I pray for her emotions Lord that she is staying strong, and
that she is happy. Let her be the most beautiful piece in our family,
and know that she is perfect and chosen by You to be in our arms. Lord
give her a sense of peace that we are coming after her, soften her heart
Lord, and let this be a beautiful story only designed by the most
beautiful Creator." That's going to be my prayer... there is nothing
about time anymore, because we have our answers on that. Just a simple
prayer for our daughter and her heart.
As soon we do hear anything, you will all be the first to know. You may
even hear of it on the news, because we will be that excited! We know
it's a long and trying journey no matter where we are until she is home.
Thank you all for the encouragement over the past few months, and thank
you for the prayers. Daily I have people telling me that they are
praying for our family. What a beautiful picture of all the people out
there praying for Kyle and I and OUR daughter. By the way, it's killing
me not to say her name... but it will come in time ;) Love you guys!
