Comforting Arms

If any of you have kids, you probably know the feeling when your child just melts into your arms and falls asleep. There is truly nothing like it. Since we brought Zola home at an older infant age, and because she is such a wonderful sleeper, these moments have been few and far between. We don't complain though, because she usually goes right down for her naps and for bed time. We are very thankful she is such a good sleeper, and can sooth herself to sleep. But, when those moments come that she does fall asleep in our arms, they are so cherished.

I just encountered one, literally minutes ago. We were on our way to music class, but she just wasn't having the car ride. She has gotten quite used to being in the car, so I knew she was tired. The tell tale signs of, rubbing her eyes, yawning, and crying in the car. We turned around, and I came home to lay her down. She chatted for awhile, like usual, and then I thought she fell asleep. She didn't, and that was fine. I went up to get her, and just scooped her up and sat on our rocking chair, she immediately lay her head on my chest and just melted into me. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to get up, and I was cherishing this moment. It took about 5 minutes, with heavy eyes, but she fell asleep. Those sweet little lips pursed together, her breathing, and her arms wrapped around mine... something I will never forget. I then realized before I went up I had her noodles on the stove, so I did have to lay her down and let her sleep in her crib, true mom moment right there ;)

There are so many days, I lay her down and come downstairs to clean up, meal plan, or take a moment to eat some lunch. I'm thankful for today that I was able to stop doing things, and embrace that sweet moment.

As I was sitting up there with her in my arms, I thought to myself, how often is God doing the same thing? Just waiting for us to come into His embrace and just melt into Him. How often am I not doing this? Honestly, I can answer that question with not enough. It was such a wonderful reminder that I need to push off some of my housework and melt into His arms when I have my free time. I try so hard to be the best mom and wife on the outside, that sometimes I forget where my focus needs to be constantly. Without Him first I won't be the best mom and wife that God has created me to be. I cannot do this on my own. I pray daily for God's strength and wisdom in raising Zola, but I need to be more diligent besides just in prayer.

Today marks November 1st, and a lot of people take this month to remind themselves what they are thankful for. I try to do this daily, but I am forever thankful for the sweet moment with Zola today and the reminder that God is waiting for those moments with me too. 

Fun with Kyle

Most of my posts are about Zola, and I understand that is why I mostly started this blog to let you in our story with her. I think so often that somehow how children get put before our spouses. It is hard, when our lives pretty much revolve around when they eat, when they sleep, what they are going to do, etc. In those times of focusing on children, we can't leave behind our spouse. So today's post is about mostly about Kyle, the love of my life and truly my best friend.

Lately, Kyle has been working a lot in the evenings. He comes home for dinner, bath time, and bed time... the best part of the day with miss Zola is bath time. ;)  We clean up and then he works until pretty late in the night. I am not complaining about having a hard working husband who provides for our families need by any means, but I have began to miss our evenings together.

When Kyle and I were getting married at one of my showers, everyone was asked to give a piece of marital wisdom. I will never forget what my mother in law said, "Always go to bed together." Now to be honest, I thought why does that really matter? People don't go to bed at the same time all the time. Maybe they work different shifts, or one is a night owl, etc. I have to say though, sometimes when Kyle and I are getting ready for bed we have the most fun of the day. 99% of time we do go to bed together, but these last few weeks have been a little different because of his work schedule. However, on Wednesday he was able to finish up at a decent hour. We laughed so hard that night, I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard ;) Today, I can't tell you a single thing we were laughing about, but I can tell you enjoyed I every second of it.

I get it, it's hard to always be having fun with your spouse. You have duties, whether they are outside the home, inside the home, extracurricular activities with kids, but don't forget to have fun with your spouse. The nights we laugh so hard or stay up late talking about Zola, what God is stirring in our hearts, or about our future I will never forget. I am thankful that I heard those words "Always go to bed together."

Take the time to truly enjoy your spouse this weekend, have fun! Everyone has a different definition of fun, but be intentional and do it. You won't regret it, and it will feel good to enjoy each other and to have those memories.

Somber Heart

October 15th is pregnancy loss awareness day. I've seen it here and there on my facebook newsfeed today, and it is such a sombering reminder what today is all about.

Kyle and I struggled with never becoming pregnant, and that was hard. The wait was hard, the negative tests were difficult, and seeing "everyone else" pregnant seemed to be the hardest. It is something we will never experience, but we have grieved that time in our lives. Many people have asked us about our story, and I have said more than once that God knew what He was doing and blessed us by that part of it. I cannot begin to fathom the feelings of losing a child I was carrying, or had just birthed.

I have actually thought about it often. I know miscarriages are "common" but just because they are common, doesn't mean they are any less painful. I'm sure there are many women I know that have had a miscarriage, or sadly more than one, but I cannot relate. I have no idea what they are feeling, all I can do is pray for them, and be a shoulder to cry on if they need it.

Thankfully isn't the right word when I think that I will never have to experience a miscarriage. There is a special bond between that baby and their mother. The mothers and fathers that have lost a baby will have an even bigger family in heaven. That is something I will not experience on this side or the other side of heaven. Am I thankful that God has spared Kyle and I of this type of loss, yes I am. However, there is a part of me that will never experience the joy of the mothers and fathers meeting their child(ren) for the first time in heaven. I can't think of a better place to meet someone.

Today, I am saddened for my family, friends, and acquaintances who have had this type of loss in their lives. I am also incredibly proud of and joyous for them, because someday, they will meet the rest of their family.

We have a 1 year old?!

It's been awhile, but I have been trying to enjoy every second with our sweet Zola. I also try to enjoy my time with Kyle in the evenings, so I've let this slide a bit.

Just wanted to let you all know she is doing just wonderfully. She is still a great eater, a great sleeper, and just a great girl. She has Kyle and I laughing every day at her fun personality, and she has us amazed at what and how well she is doing.

The main event since the last post was her first birthday!! It was such an exciting time for our family, to celebrate this little girl we had waited for over 2 years to bring home. We were so blessed on Sunday by all the love and support by family and friends. She had a party of course, and she did so well. I really need to upload some pictures, because she really got into her cake ;)

The night before her birthday, I asked Kyle if I could put her to bed. I usually let Kyle do it because he is gone during the day, but I was a little emotional that evening. As I was just looking into her eyes, I started to cry. The past 2 months went so quickly and I felt like I missed so much! You always hear the 1st year goes by so quickly, but we only had 2 months of it. Then I reminded myself, Megan, you got all of her firsts so far! We were able to see her first rolling over, her sitting up, her first army crawl, her first real crawl, her first pulling herself up, and the list goes on.

After my sentimental moment with her, it was time for our prayers. I always try to mention Zola's birth father and mother, but that night it was a big focus. I prayed especially for her birth father, as he was not only mourning the loss of his daughter, but his wife. I can't imagine the pain he was probably dealing with this past week. He is a brave and courageous man, and we are so thankful for the decision he made and that Zola gets to be part of our family. I truly hope and pray he is proud of his decision and has a sense of peace that she is being taken care of.

To say we are blessed by Zola is a true understatement. I am so thankful God put it in our hearts to adopt long before we were even married. I am thankful we couldn't have biological kiddos, and I am ever so grateful that God brought us our sweet and loveable Zola.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that most people reading this aren't adopted, but if you are a  Christian, you are. I challenge you to remind yourself to be thankful and proud that Jesus paid the ultimate price for us to be adopted. He was brave and courageous and now we get to be part of God's forever family. 

Adjusting Well

In my post yesterday I told you all that Zola is adjusting quite well. I thought I'd give you evidence of things she likes and how she is adjusting so well.

Things Miss Z likes to Eat:
Sweet Potato Puree
Carrot Puree and Pieces
Hummus
Bananas
Peaches
Chicken
Yogurt
Yogurt Bites
Puffs
Rice Cereal
Gluten Free Honey Rice Chex
Pancakes
Black Beans
Bottles ;)

A Couple Dislikes:
Green Bean Puree and Pieces
Apple Puree
Peach Puree

From our food list, she's doing pretty well! :) She is putting on some weight, at least it looks like it anyway. She hasn't been weighed since last week when we she was at the Dr. but she is getting some chunk on her legs. There is nothing cuter than chubby baby legs.

We are working on loving the car seat, but she is getting better and better at being strapped in. We go on lots of walks, so those straps are helping her get comfortable in them. One our of favorite things is when we get in from taking a walk, she lights up and gets so excited to come into her house. Yesterday she absolutely lit up when Kyle came home from work, so so sweet. Today, I had to go into work and when I got home, I got lots of smiles and kisses!

Zola is quite the explorer around here. She takes everything in and is wonderful at mimicking what we do. She likes to swing, she loves the sprinkler, she really likes to dump things, pull her books off the shelf, and play with her play food. It is amazing to see how well she truly is adjusting. She acts a little shy around people at first, but then warms right up.

To say the least, we are insanely blessed by this little one. We are still in awe she is ours. We know it isn't all roses and perfect moments, but I am loving the fact that at night, we have toys to put away and baby clothes to wash. What a blessing this has been and continues to be. 

Home for a Week and a Half?!

To be honest, I can't even believe I am typing out the sentence that we have been home for a week and a half... with OUR daugher. Yes, that's right, not just home from Ethiopia, but with our sweet Zola.

The night I wrote my last post to Zola was the last night we had to wonder when we were going to have that little girl in our arms. How amazing is that. God answers prayers like no one else can is to say the least.

When Kyle and I were submitted to Embassy we had braced ourselves for the fact that the US Embassy may ask for Zola's birth father to come back once again to the capital to be interviewed. Now, we completely understand why this is asked of so many, but it just didn't sit well with Kyle and I. We had talked numerous times about how hard it must be for the birth parents to come back and reopen this wound. I also understand that this can be a good thing for birth parents, as they get to meet the adoptive family, and maybe they need more closure. But, we just struggled with someone demanding he come back to the capital, travel from his home, miss work, and possibly repoen a wound that he had already started heal from.

With our conversations, came lots of prayers as well. We prayed every night that if he is already healing from this decision, and if he doesn't need that closure, and that if it would be too difficult to leave work then that he wouldn't be asked to come to Addis (the capital) We also prayed for him and that he was healing from this decision and that he is so proud of his decision.

We were pleasantly surprised when we got an email at 3:30 am, but we didn't check it until 6am that we were cleared for Embassy and we needed to send an email with what dates we would like to travel to Ethiopia. We did just that! We got those ducks in a row, and then called a travel agent to book some flights.

I'm going to skip ahead here and tell you that we are all adjusting well. Zola lights up when Kyle or myself come into a room or are playing with her, she gets a huge smile on her face when we come inside from taking a walk, she likes to eat, and she loves to sleep!!

She is sleeping about 12 hours a night with at least one long nap during the day. I think she is loving the quiet and she is growing. We have had visitors and she seems to try to figure everyone out at first, and then warms right up. We are so blessed by all the texts, facebook posts, visits, and most of all prayer. She is one loved little girl!

Once I get my computer up and running I'll add some pictures on here and explain a little more about (both) of our trips.

Thanks for the continued prayers and thoughts, we couldn't be thankful for the support system we have and have had for the past 2  years. God's timing is perfect, because we are so lucky He called us to be her parents.

I Miss You Sweet Girl

So, I realize it's been awhile since I have updated, and a lot has happened. We have now been to Ethiopia and got the word that we legally have a little baby girl now! She is officially part of our family, what a surreal feeling. I promise I will post soon about the days leading up to our trip and our trip.

We have been home for 1.5 months, and boy do we miss that sweet girl. Tomorrow she will be 10 months old and I wish more than anything we could be with her to celebrate or better yet have her home. Just a little letter to our little peanut...

Sweet Zola,
You're 10 months old tomorrow! I can't believe that we have had your picture for 4 months now. A lot has happened in those 4 months, and the best part of that was meeting you. On June 14th, 2013 we arrived in Ethiopia and immediately went to meet you. You didn't cry when we held you, and you stared into our eyes and it went straight into our hearts. We knew we loved you from that very first picture we laid our eyes on, but meeting you was an entirely different story. That first day we met you, we got play with you, make you giggle, and even feed you. Zola, you have been in our dreams for 2 years, but none of those dreams came close to how God blessed us. You are so beautiful, and your eyes pierce right into the depths of our soul. We can't imagine life without you now, you were meant to be a Chaffee, and we couldn't be more thrilled. Baby girl, we are ready for you to be with us forever and ever. We know that everyday won't be perfect, and some days you will be mad at us, but we hope you know in the depths of your soul we love so much. We want you to know that your first dad was such a brave man to let us take you into our family. We want you to know that we are here for you no matter what. Lastly, we want you to know that we have prayed for you every single night for 2 years. We love you sweet girl, and can't wait to see you soon.
Love,
daddy and mommy


We are hoping to hear this week whether or not another birth parent interview will be scheduled, or if we clear embassy. We are praying that we clear embassy and we are getting our little Zola home sooner rather than later. If you will join us in prayer, we would so appreciate it. Thanks for all the love and support friends!

Still Grieving

Today was one of those days that I am beyond thankful for a flexible job. I was struggling with some things already, and then I got an email saying that we still don't have a court date, and she has no idea when we will get one. I was sent over the edge, and had to come home.

As I was literally yelling over the phone with Kyle on the other end and tears streaming down my face he reminded me that I am still grieving in moments like these.

Words cannot describe how relieved we were when we got the news of baby T's birth father relinquishing his rights, and making that next big hurdle we had been waiting to get over. We are now waiting to get the news of when we will go to Ethiopia and meet our sweet little girl. During the times of waiting is still difficult though.

Most of this process is waiting, but during those wait times there has been a lot of grieving. The grieving time of knowing we would never have biological children and making that decision whole heartedly true on Feb. 16 with a hysterectomy. Along with waiting for 16 months to see our sweet girls face. We then waited for 6 weeks to be submitted to court, while other families actually passing us in the waiting period. Now, to waiting to hear of when we are to travel. During those times big events or holidays come up and we (probably me more than Kyle because I'm an emotional girl) grieve those times that our little girl is not with us.

Today is not a holiday, it is just a Wednesday, but I am grieving the fact that we have no end in sight of when we will get to meet our little one. I'm grieving because we are told one thing and other things happen. I'm grieving because there are so many babies in Ethiopia right now, and not as much help or 1:1 attention like I could give her. I'm grieving the fact that this has taken so long, and there still isn't an end.

I'm sure you're all thinking I'm impatient, and that' fine, because I am. But, think about waiting 2.5 years to see your 1st childs face, also knowing she is across the ocean and you have no idea when you get to meet her. That's not to say that every step of this hasn't been worth it, because if you haven't seen her yet, you'll understand when you do. She is the most beautiful thing in the world! If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would.

Today, I'm giving myself grace to be impatient and making the decision tomorrow to pick myself up and keep on moving. Not because I want to, but because I have to. I have to practie being strong now in the hardest times to be able to show my daughter how to be strong later.

Monday Prayers

The next 2 big things on our timeline have happened, and will be happening soon! :)
We were submitted to court on May 2nd, the day after May Day, because Ethiopian court was closed on May Day. I still giggle at the holidays they celebrate. We weren't expecting to get a call from our agency until about this Thursday to find out when the Birth Parent court date, but we were caught by surprise when she called on May 9th to tell me that we got a Birth Parent Court Date for May 27th!!! Our coordinator was about as excited as we were. It was such a great day. Earlier in the week Kyle was saying that he should go to Cincinnati because that's when things happen. Sure enough, Kyle was in Cinci when I got the call.

This Monday, Memorial Day will be when Baby T's birth father goes to the courts and stands before the judge relinquishing his rights as her birth father. What a bittersweet day for us. We are so so happy because it's one step closer to meeting our little girl and making her legally ours. However, it's a bitter day to think that he is losing the most beautiful girl in the world. I can't imagine what that day will feel like for him, but we have been praying for him nightly. If you would join us in prayers for him and his heart, and his emotions we would love that. This may be his first time flying, traveling, etc. on top of letting go legally of his first little girl.

We are also hoping and praying that we find out when we travel very soon. We are hoping it's next week, but found out today it could be the week after. The Ethiopian government has a piece of paper that has to go on our case before getting our court date. We are praying MOWA (the government who has the paper) will have things ready and move quickly. We are praying for this as well.

On Friday we have our big Dr. Appointment day. I just finished my Hep A and B shots this week and Kyle already has his booster shot. We will possibly be getting our Yellow Fever shot and getting general information about traveling to Ethiopia, along with some pills, and ways to prevent getting sick.

We also received our visas in the mail today! We are so ready to go. Not just emotionally but logistically as well. It is all so exciting, but it truly does seem surreal still. I cannot wait to meet her and hold her and give her kisses. I feel like my emotions are bursting at the seams lately.

I'm going to be a mom people!!! I mean seriously and truly be a mom. I cannot believe it. I have had like 3 or 4 close friends tell me they were pregnant. I know I have posted about this before, but I absolutely love to see how The Lord has changed my heart and I'm truly so so happy for them all. It is such a beautiful part of building a family, but I feel so lucky to be building our family through adoption. It hasn't been easy, and there have been lots of tears, and anger, but I couldn't imagine it any other way. And now it's my turn to be a mom!

Prayer is an amazing thing, and I'm so thankful that we have a way to talk to God in our own ways, and He answers things in the most crazy, but amazing ways. Thank you everyone for your prayers, and your continued prayers. We are so blessed!!

Waiting is the Name of the Game

It's been about 3 weeks since I have posted about our super exciting news and many people have been asking, when does she come home, what's next, etc? So here is that post...

There is of course a "timeline" for everything. Right now we are waiting to be submitted to court. That means that all of our paperwork and baby T's paperwork will be taken to the courts of the Ethiopian government. Unfortunately this is taking much longer than we expected. Please be in prayer about this, there are only 3 staff members in Ethiopia that are doing everything for our agency over there. It is sllloooowwww, my friends. The staff is working hard to get a family home right now, which is so wonderful, but it takes away from the staff being able to focus in other places. So prayers for more staff members (they are looking) and prayers for time management. It is really hard on us right now, as we wait with no answers.

After our paperwork is submitted, it will be about another 2-3 weeks and then we should hear a date for baby T's birth father to go to court for his relinquishing of rights. Those dates are usually given about 2 months out. Prayer for baby T's birth father would be appreciated too. He is doing the most selfless act and giving his daughter to a family he doesn't even know. It is truly a bittersweet time for us. We pray for him nightly and pray for his heart in all of this.

After baby T's birth father has his court date, we should hear that day what our date is, which is usually a month after that. Once we have our date, we will begin to pack and get ready to meet our beautiful daughter.

So here is the run down:
1-3 weeks more to be submitted to court. (hopefully this week though)
2-3 weeks to hear about a court date for birth father's court date
2-2.5 months until birth father's court date
1 month after birth father's court date we will travel.
We meet our sweet girl and go to our court date and spend 1 week in ET.
Come home without her :(
1-3 months we will be submitted to Embassy and travel our last time.

Best case scenario, we will travel in July for our court date (first trip) is what it's looking like. Friends, that is a long wait to meet our daughter. It is honestly so difficult to think about not meeting her until July, pray for our hearts and our emotions as we go on this roller coaster. God has a plan, and His plan will be perfect, but that doesn't always mean it is easy. If we would have gotten a referral when we wanted, we wouldn't have baby T's picture, and let me tell you (again) she is perfect. We know the wait is worth it, but the waiting is still hard.

On a happy note :) I have met some amazing adoptive mommies and have gotten to know them a little and their hearts. One of the husbands of the couples is going to Ethiopia within the next 2 weeks. It just so happens that he is going to the orphanage where our little princess is. That means we will get pictures!!! I am beyond excited about this! However, the orphanage she is in, isn't exactly wealthy. They are in need of diapers, formula, and shoes for little ones. If you feel led, go to walmart.com and find store # 3227 in Monument Colorado. When you get to check out, there will be a place for you to type in the person who will be picking it up. That person is Dawn Patton and she will pick them up and her husband will be taking them to Ethiopia when he goes soon. If you see me around in a couple weeks, ask for more pictures and I will gladly show you!! :)

Thanks for the prayers friends, they are so appreciated and we can't wait to tell our sweet girl how many people were/are praying for her.

Thee Post

This is it! This is thee post that we have all been waiting for!! We got a referral on Thursday March 21st at 5:08 for a 6 month old baby girl. She is so beautiful. She has curly hair, and the most beautiful eyelashes, and some long legs :) I'm telling you, she is amazing. It is truly amazing to see how and why God had us waiting.

First I'll tell you the story of our referral day. Early that week, Kyle and I talked about paying the rest of our referral fee, so it was one less thing we would have to do later, and it was something that we felt like we could actually do for our daughter. I had called the agency that morning to ask if I could do it over the phone, but realized quickly it was much more expensive. I was also able to talk with the secretary who was so encouraging to me personally. When I got off the phone, I sent in our referral check. (Having no idea we were getting a referral that day)

Early that afternoon I had reached out to our agency asking for some advice for Kyle and I to encourage each other. I had been encouraged myself that day, but I wanted some ways to encourage Kyle as well. I received an email quickly saying, call me. I called and all he said was to keep my phone close. So, I did.

My phone rang at 5:08 and my hands were full of stuff, I dropped it all and answered. They told me to get Kyle on the phone. Kyle was of course in Cincinnati that day, but I began to call him. I called a couple times, then I text him that it was our day and he needed to leave his meeting and answer the phone. Still no answer... I ended up calling his bosses house and getting his cell phone number from his wife, ha! I was desperate. He had stepped out of the office he was working in without his phone for probably 12 minutes and I had called 13 times and text him about 8 times. As he was walking by that office he noticed his phone was lit up and finally answered!! :)

We were finally on the phone and then we conferenced in our agency, except that their phone was busy for about 3 minutes. There were 3 people on the call and you could tell how excited they were for us. She quickly sent me the email with her information and her picture, I forwarded it onto Kyle before opening it and we opened it at the same time. Before we saw the picture even the coordinator on the phone was talking about how cute and pretty she was!

We opened that picture and we were instantly in love. The coordinator was talking, but we weren't listening. We were staring at our beautiful little girl who had finally found us.

Once we hung up with our agency Kyle and I had a wonderful moment together on the phone and just talked about her. We also realized that neither one of us were listening to what the coordinator was saying hah, so we decided to call back another day and get all the information needed.

We started calling our family and our friends and were just over the moon excited. It was a thrilling day to say the least.

There are a lot of next steps, but I will post another day with all of that. The one thing I can tell you is that there is no definite answer on when we will get to travel but we are hoping its soon!

Proud of My Scars

Happy March friends!!

I seriously can't believe how quickly this year has gone by so far. Most of my Feb was recovering and healing, so maybe that's why it feels like it has gone by so quickly. I'm healing well I think. I get tired still after a day of work (half days) but I think that's to be expected. It was so good for me to get back into work and get out of the house a bit to be honest. I have been sitting around and just thinking about our sweet girl with no news. (It will come though!)

My medicine was making my vision blurry for a little while, so I wasn't able to read but had lots of time to think. There were good days for that and some days I shouldn't have been thinking too much. There are times I can be my own worst enemy. There were days I regretted having this surgery, I felt like a burden to Kyle, and I felt like I was letting down my family. I know none of this is true and Satan was working really hard on me when he had the chance. There were days I felt like he won because of how I was feeling about this whole thing. One day in particular I felt like I let my family down having this surgery done because it is so final that we will never have biological kids. This was out of the questions regardless, but that was it, it was over and done with. I felt awful about this. No one thinks that will happen to them or anyone in their family , but it does sometimes. It happened to us. But.... WE ARE CALLED TO ADOPT and God has proved to us we are doing the right thing just by the support of our family alone. Not only our family but all of our friends and people we meet that are so intrigued and ask questions and tell us they are praying for us.

 I want nothing more than to call my family and tell them this is their "call" but I haven't had that opportunity yet. I know I WILL get that chance and let me tell you I cannot wait!!! :) There is nothing this momma bear can do right now to make things go quicker and that is a tough place to be in. However, I did have this surgery now and that is something I could control and do for our daughter. It would have been really difficult to do this when she was home and try to rest. I'm thankful that we did do it this early. I'm now going to be feeling better and have a better life because of it. I won't be in too much pain to play with my little girl, and now can say "yes" no matter when she asks me to play. :)

While laying on the couch I was getting down about the scars I've gotten over the last 2 years, but today as I removed the last piece of glue on my body covering my scars I decided to be proud. If our sweet girl asks what those are from I can tell her it was to help mommy feel better and have so much fun with you. I will stand proud of those scars and thankful that God took us down that path even if it seemed scary at the time. Its funny how God can make you proud of little things like this. I think about how proud God must have felt for those scars on Jesus' hands and feet. Because of His scars, our scars our healed, in our hearts and on our bodies. How blessed are we?

Healed and Hopeful today,
Megan

Excited vs. Nervous

I just finished up making a list of things I need to get done this weekend before having another surgery. On Monday this week Kyle and I went to the Dr. for almost the 3rd or 4th time just since the new year started. It resulted in scheduling a hysterectomy for Feb 12. (Yes, that is indeed on Tuesday next week) We were pretty certain we were going down that path before going to the Dr. but it is now set in stone.

It has been a long painful journey since my second surgery in December of 2011, so to be perfectly honest I'm looking forward to Tuesday. The biggest part of Tuesday that I feel so peaceful about is that The Lord has completely healed my heart in birthing my own child. He has called us to adopt and to build our family that way. I can't tell you how humbling that feels, and how exciting it feels.

On Monday I was also able to talk to our head coordinator and he said he will be surprised if we make it to the end of Feb without a referral. He also said, anything can change and it could even change tomorrow. That's just part of international adoption, but we knew that going in. So, yet another thing to make me even more excited!!

With all the excitement comes nervousness. I am excited to be pain free once the surgery is over and I am healed, I'm excited to feel like a normal person again. However, I'm nervous about the surgery, I'm nervous about the recovery, and I'm nervous it won't fix my pain. The same feelings are coming up with the adoption. I'm so so excited to see pictures of our daughter, and fall in love with her. I'm excited to be traveling to Ethiopia this year and meet her, and bring her home to be with us forever. Then, I start to get nervous... What if everything gets slower, what if she isn't home this year, what if I'm not good a mom, what if she doesn't like it here at our home?

I'm reminded daily that we are called to do this, and I know that God doesn't just call anyone to adopt a child. I'm amazed that we are called to do adopt, I'm amazed that God has called me to start this blog and reach just a couple people. I'm amazed that we are so blessed by so many people praying for us, asking how things are going, and giving to us financially. This is when I know that excitement defeats nervousness. It won't always be easy, but it's a choice I'm going to make to be excited about life, rather than worry and be nervous.

Thanks for the support friends! We cannot wait to share the good news hopefully soon of who will be joining our family :) I did have a dream about our little gal last night, and let me tell you... she is beautiful and fits our family perfectly!!!

Hope is Slipping

I know it's been quite some time since I have updated, but there has been a lot going and we have been very busy, on top of trying to keep on top of our agency.

When we got to the top of the list in Oct, Oct 6th to be exact. I asked if it would be out of the question to have a referral by Christmas, and my coordinator said with quite a bit of confidence, that we would more than likely have a referral by Christmas, we were beside ourselves. We were starting to plan how to surprise our families, we were so so excited. Well, as you can guess, Christmas was quickly approaching, and I called our agency. I point blank asked, because we had had enough false hope during our time of trying to get pregnant, that we didn't anymore. Are we getting a referral or not? She said no.

Of course we were so bummed, and I cried. The next day, I called again because I felt like there was more than just a no. So, I was able to talk to someone else who informed that there are 2 cases of abuse in the US that involved children adopted from ET. So, this was setting our timeline way back. Long story short, this is awful for those kids, and we so wish we could adopt the ones that made it out alive to prove that not everyone is bad in their lives. This also resulted in the northern region being put on pause, while there was an investigation.

From the sounds of it, things are moving along fine in the investigation, and they are on the tail end of things. However, the big man on campus who is making the decision on when to reopen the northern region, is traveling right now. Last we knew he was in Canada. I'm sorry, but what is in Canada?! It's cold and it's time for him to go HOME! ;)

So during this time, there were many referrals, baby boys, toddler boys, baby girls... NO toddler girls. Now, Kyle and I both felt the strong urge that The Lord was telling us to adopt a toddler girl. So, because of that we went on hold for all the other lists. I'm sure people are thinking that wasn't a smart move and we shouldn't be choosy. We don't feel like we are being choosy, we feel like that's what we were called to do, but its been a tough road.

Everytime there is a referral, I think to myself, that could have been us. (except the baby girls) We have lost out on about 4 referrals because of our choice. We are not regretting our choice by any means. We cannot wait to get our pictures, and to just have our daughter HOME. But seeing those referrals does something to my heart I can't even explain. I cry every single time, satan get's the strongest hold of me and makes me doubt what choices I have had made. He makes me feel terrible for a day and sometimes just plain angry.

I have to be completely honest and say that I have lost a lot of hope. This system seems just as broken as the US, and there is nothing I can do for my daughter. I want to fight for her and I want her to know that we are doing everything in our power to bring her home... but right now, I can't. She is just there by herself without us. This breaks my heart daily, and there really is nothing we can do about it. So tough! I've stopped carrying my phone with me everywhere, (in hopes to get "that" call), if I email, I don't expect anything good to come from it. It's a really rough time right now. I also know and seriously have to believe that God is making this so so perfect and I will forget this heartache I'm going through. I have to know and believe that soon I will be on the other side encouraging others. I feel so strongly about adoption and believe we are all called to do something about helping these families and children, so I know and have to truly believe God has a much bigger plan than I can see right now.

We pray nightly together for our daughter, and we have prayed for patience, but have decided to stop praying for that. When we ask for that, He challenges us, so now we are asking for things to move quickly. We have been praying that prayer for months now, and I think we are hearing loud and clear that answer is "no" right now. God answers, just not always the way we would like things to go. So, now my prayer is just going to be for our daughter. "Lord, I pray our daughter is safe today, I pray that she is not seeing anything corrupt or broken in her little life, I pray that she is being loved on and that her heart is learning to love, I pray for her emotions Lord that she is staying strong, and that she is happy. Let her be the most beautiful piece in our family, and know that she is perfect and chosen by You to be in our arms. Lord give her a sense of peace that we are coming after her, soften her heart Lord, and let this be a beautiful story only designed by the most beautiful Creator." That's going to be my prayer... there is nothing about time anymore, because we have our answers on that. Just a simple prayer for our daughter and her heart.

As soon we do hear anything, you will all be the first to know. You may even hear of it on the news, because we will be that excited! We know it's a long and trying journey no matter where we are until she is home. Thank you all for the encouragement over the past few months, and thank you for the prayers. Daily I have people telling me that they are praying for our family. What a beautiful picture of all the people out there praying for Kyle and I and OUR daughter. By the way, it's killing me not to say her name... but it will come in time ;) Love you guys!