Writing my Story

In January, I was in Austin Texas at our annual Noonday Collection conference called SHINE. Our co-founder Jessica Honegger was the first speaker of the weekend, and she spoke about the story we tell ourselves. At the end she asked us, "What story do we need to stop telling ourselves? What story do we need to be telling ourselves?" This was so powerful for me, and it meant a lot for my past but also for what was coming.

Recently, I was told I didn't the leadership skills for a specific role I applied for a few years ago. In that moment I had to decide what story I was going to tell myself. I had a choice, believe the words that were just spoken to me, or decide my story was different. To make the choice that those words would determine my self worth or choose to rewrite my story, to focus on those leadership skills and prove to myself that I do indeed have them.

When I chose Children's Ministry as my major in college I worried about it a lot. I worried about finding a job because I was young and I wasn't a parent with experience. This rolled over even past graduation and into my first few jobs honestly.

Going into ministry it's easy to focus and believe that "my ministry" can only be done in the church. as I get older, I'm realizing each day that's not the entire truth. "My ministry" right now is my family and Noonday Collection. It does not have to a job in the church and that is okay.

For now, this is my story. Not words that could hurt me or tear me down. I'm choosing to surround myself with people who encourage my story and "my ministry." Just because this will be the story I'm writing and believing doesn't mean it will be an easy choice everyday. There will be days I literally have to choose what story to believe. But, isn't that the beauty? That every once awhile our stories can change and look different than the day before.

What is your story you're writing? Do you need to rewrite it, or continue the one you're believing and writing?

Fundraising for a Reason

When it comes to fundraising, it can be a tricky matter to manage through. Some people are on board with it, others I think struggle with the whole idea.

For our last adoption, I was new to it, and I felt excited most of the time. It was such a fun experience to see people from all over give in ways that I never imagined, it was such a blessing for us. Fast forward to this adoption, and I have felt a little more apprehensive to the idea. I was more nervous this time, but still a little excited. Once again though, we have been blessed and I am in awe.

Now that we have begun our fundraising, I am realizing more and more that it gives people and families to the opportunity to be part of this whole world of adoption. It is said more than once in the Bible to take care of the widows and the orphans. I stand by that command with all my heart and soul. It is important and we are all called to do it. I used to think we are called to adopt and if we did, there would be no more orphans. Honestly, most of that statement is true. If we were all to adopt, there would be no more orphans. But, then there is a reality. Unfortunately, we can't adopt every single orphan.

BUT, we can all be part of the change. That's why right now, as we are in the thick of fundraising I think of it as giving others an opportunity to be part of the change. God had written our story long ago, knowing our family would be built purely through adoption. God knew all the people that would be part of our story by either praying, making purchases, giving financially, or giving time and support. It has been such an honor to watch this story unfold.

The reality is, domestic adoption costs about the same as international. So, there is still fundraising to be done. There are women all over making purchases through Noonday Collection, so thank you to those of you who have purchased or hosted(ing) trunk shows.

As I turn 30 tomorrow! WHAT?! I have a good friend who is hosting an Usborne Book Fundraiser and she is so kindly donating her commission to our adoption funds!! My goal is for 30 people to make a purchase through Usborne, in honor of my 30th birthday and our adoption. It's the perfect time to stock up for Christmas gifts for kids, teens, or adults. You can check it out here 

Thank you everyone for your support, your love, and your time. We are so blessed to be on this journey again. We love being stretched and love watching God show up in the minor details and the major ones!

Rejection Isn't Easy

As we are in the thick of creating our adoption profile, I'm being constantly reminded of rejection. That may sound really strange as we are embracing this journey again, but it has been creeping up more and more through my days lately.

I love to be creative, I love pictures, and I love to write even though I don't do it often. Creating a profile should be so much fun right? To be honest, I could go either way right now. I do love the creative aspect of creating the profile, that is fun. However, it's hard work to choose the "right words" and the "right pictures" to display on this part of our journey.

It's a strange feeling knowing that a certain tradition we do as a family or a certain picture could be the determining factor if a birth mother chooses us. It is fun to think about though, because that means there may be an instant connection for us. However, there is a flip side to that. There could be that one picture or tradition that she completely shys away from and she has no interest in us.

There will be no way that I will ever know who does and doesn't look at our profile. Thank goodness for that, because right now that rejection feeling is creeping up saying, "what about all the ones who say no that's not a good fit?" I bounce right back with a response of, "what is wrong with our family, why didn't someone choose us, should we change what we wrote or the pictures we chose?"

This profile making is a huge challenge for me, but I'm thankful that it's stretching me. There are some days I'd rather be doing a dossier. It seems less personal for some reason. I don't have to create the best me or the best of my family. We aren't perfect everyday, and we make mistakes a lot. What I do know though, is that we love A LOT and we love BIG. So, my hopes are that each birth mother who is shown our profile whether they "connect" with us or not, find a family who is going to love their child BIG.

The profile that's being created isn't about me or for me. It's for the birth mothers, and I'm glad I can step back and realize that. Even though, rejection has been on the forefront of my mind, it's not about my rejection. It's about the birth moms, and the decisions they are making for their child because, they love them A LOT and love them BIG too.

He Loves Us

I remember reading so many blogs while we were waiting to be matched with Zola. It was so good for my soul to read these stories of redemption, because some days (okay, a lot of days) I didn't know for sure if it would actually happen for us. There were other days it was hard to read, because I thought our story was different somehow, and they didn't truly know how I was feeling.

Now, being on both of sides of this spectrum I totally get it. I can see how people write these beautiful stories of redemption. But, there is a huge part of my heart that literally breaks for people going through infertility or their adoption journey where there isn't a specific answer, yet. It is just plain hard.

This past weekend at church, a very familiar song started playing. I listen to a lot of worship music, and so many times I just sing the words. I don't always let them settle into my soul. I have heard How He Loves Us, so many times. The words meant something to me, but not like they did Sunday morning. I think I finally understood what the words for me personally meant.

During our journey I honestly wondered sometimes if God really did love us. By us, I mean really me. I used to think so often that I was punished for some reason, and now it was trickling into Kyle's life too. I had to have done something to bring out the wrath in God that He is so capable of. I knew, He didn't do this to us, but so often I thought something different.

I remember pleading with God just to allow us to become pregnant, just once. I remember praying that He could make me super sick and give me a terrible pregnancy, but please oh please just let it happen. I reasoned with God, a lot. I thought if I prayed long or hard enough, He would show up and prove His love for us through a pregnancy.

That wasn't His plan though. Even though He didn't cause our infertility, He knew it was going to happen. He also knew our journey would end in redemption. He knew that I would understand a love so great, only He can comprehend it. He knew this day would come that I could look back and know He loved us on every single step of our journey. He knew we would encounter couples and families going through a similar story, and that being vulnerable sometimes would help in some little way.

Being a planner is my nature, so not knowing this plan was very hard for me. I didn't get the plan, I didn't understand it. I am so thankful God did though. Because, honestly if I knew what was coming I would have been even more inpatient than I was. If I would have known what was coming, I honestly wouldn't have believed we deserved it. Isn't that the beauty though? That we don't know and even though God may be answering pleads a different way than we have planned, it's beautiful and there is redemption. That's who He is.

My hope in these words is that someone truly knows they aren't alone in their journey. That these words give validation in how someone is feeling, and it is okay. My hope in these words is that you can truly believe He Loves Us.

Adopting Again

I made the big announcement last night on Facebook that we are adopting again. I didn't give a lot of detail because I wanted to make a blog post about it.

The number 1 question recently has been, "are you going to adopt again?" The answer to that has always been a resounding "yes!" However, we wanted to really enjoy Zola and honestly spoil her with our time. We waited to have a child in our home, so we wanted to give undivided attention to her, and we felt that she deserved it as well. If you have met Zola, you know she gets a lot of attention and it really is so fun.

Usually, the following question is, "where will you adopt from?" As much as we would love to say Ethiopia again, we are not pursuing another adoption through Ethiopia. The entire process has changed since bringing Zola home, and we just didn't have a peace about it, unfortunately.

We have decided to pursue a domestic adoption to build our family this time. We will be using a consulting agency called, Faithful Adoption Consultants. I have had a phone conversation and many email conversations and I have been nothing short of impressed with them. I'm really excited about it. So, that means we will more than likely be receiving an infant. We have not specified on gender however.

Last night we had our home study. So funny how relaxed we were this time ;) On Monday we will have everything completed and then our caseworker will send us the finalized home study and we are done. There are times I can' even believe this all the paperwork we have to do. It's a blessing, I won't lie. Doing a dossier is time consuming.

Here's what's next. Since we will have a completed home study shortly, we will start raising funds to add to what we have already been saving. We are still talking about ideas for fundraising opportunities. One of them is certain though, Noonday Collection. I became an ambassador last summer to be able to give back to Ethiopia, and to start saving for our next adoption. It has been really fun and exciting to be able to do this "work" and have it create opportunities to build our family. So, if you host a show anytime 20-30% of the proceeds will go directly to our adoption. Noonday allows me to be a part of families staying together, while building mine.

Our goal is to be finished fundraising by the new year and we will officially be on the list. We will create a profile of our family and birth families will have the chance to view our profile and decide if we are the correct fit. From there, we wait until the birth and we will have another baby in our home. From what I've been told it will more than likely be pretty quick, so that is why we are taking some time this fall to gather our funds, prepare our home, and enjoy the last moments of Zola being an only child.

Thank you so much for the outpouring of love, congratulations, and support. I was just telling a friend how I can't imagine not having the support of family and friends because you are all amazing. My heart was soaring last night and into today with the comments, messages, and texts!

Pt. 4: The Wait

This post could probably be split into a lot of separate ones because there was so much waiting for us. I know there are many that have and will wait longer than we did. However, when we were in the middle of the wait, it felt like forever.

The day we chose an agency is when I started the wait, but really it started a year before that for me. I had been longing to be a mother even a year prior, so add another 2 years, and it felt like an eternity.

While we were in the beginning stages of our process, I had my first surgery. From the sounds of it, there could be some serious hope that we could actually get pregnant. We had started the process because I felt like the chances were slim, but when a Dr. is telling you to try, you hold onto a little bit of a hope that's given.

Fast forward 3 months, and a lot of pain. I had another surgery scheduled to help with the pain and mainly for a serious health concern. A week after my surgery, we had to go get our fingerprints taken. Even then our process was still moving along. The fingerprints were the last thing to do on our list.

After that surgery I was finally feeling better than I had in the past. Those times were actually difficult. I didn't have a lot distracting me. Time was going slowly. I remember calling my mother in law crying at times wondering if I could actually make it through this waiting time. I remember being upset when people would ask if we had been matched, or when we were bringing home our daughter. I remember what it was like processing the emotions of watching yet another friend become pregnant, sometimes for the 2nd time. The wait was hard.

There were good times though. We went on vacations, dates, spent time with family and friends. We had a lot of freedom to do things when we wanted to, etc. Looking back now, it was good to have that time to wait. To grow more in love with each other, to build stronger friendships, and relationships. To see our family and friends support us like crazy was nothing short of amazing. If everything happened in my time. God wouldn't have been able to humble us, and let our people support us the way they did. 

I started to have a lot of complications with my health in February 2013.  I knew I had to take the most drastic measure and have a hysterectomy. It was something I said so easily to my Dr. but deep down in my heart, it was broken. My heart was broken. I felt broken physically. It was a feeling of failure. There was a part of me that didn't want to face society and especially my family. By the time I had my hysterectomy we had waited for 16 months for our match. It seemed like nothing was ever going to happen, and now I made a choice that could never be changed. Motherhood seemed so incredibly far away.

Those 2 weeks of recovery were dark. I cried, a lot. I felt alone, and lost. I had reached a point where I honestly didn't even know what to pray for anymore. Luckily, Kyle was my rock through that time and I'm quite certain he was throwing up some big prayers. Because on March 21st our lives were changed forever.

Redemption is now part of our story. The wait, the oh so long wait was worth it. We had that picture, and information about our daughter. God knew this was our story. The surgeries, the waiting, the pain and heartache. The good times with family and friends while we waited. The questioning at moments. It was His story woven into ours, the beautiful story of redemption. 

Pt. 3: The Paper Chase

The next part of our story would be compiling our dossier. Our dossier was ALL of the information about our lives. I'm talking every single detail. I used to joke with Kyle that somehow, someone knew what I was making for dinner, or what I was wearing that particular day.

The paperwork we needed to compile was fairly easy for us, luckily. Our biggest hiccup was finding the one paragraph in our insurance policy saying our child would be covered. It was at least 200 page stack of papers, with no table of contents. I just randomly chose a spot to start in, turned to the next page and there it was. God showed up even in the small details.

In the evenings I would come home from work, make dinner and do paperwork. We were surrounded by it, I would ask Kyle question and write down answers. We had trainings to go through, and of course the homestudy.

We had our homestudy, which went very well. Although, I totally panicked and cleaned the house as if the Queen of England was coming over, and she merely peeked in a few rooms. It was a lot of conversation, and questions.  A lot of family past, how we would handle discipline, what we see our lives looking like after our child is in our home.

Before our case worker left, she gave us some paperwork to fill out, surprise surprise. One of the sheets was about what type of child we would accept or not accept. I vividly remember sitting with Kyle outside checking yes or no to certain boxes. That sheet of paper took us the longest to through. It was HARD. I felt so guilty saying no to certain special needs.

We struggled so much because, had we conceived a child with a particular special need, we would never say, no. That would have never even gone through our minds. But, now we had to choose what we would accept. We would accept anything, but we had to talk through what would be ideal, what we thought we could handle. That was a challenge too, because God really can give the strength to do anything. However, we had to think hard about what was going to make the most sense for our family and being first time parents.

We finished our homestudy and we were approved for a healthy girl or boy and we were open to siblings. There were a lot of other forms, and fingerprints we had to go through before we were officially on the waiting list, but we were really moving. I was getting excited, I wanted to be on that wait list because it seemed like families were getting matched fairly quickly.

We officially were on the list in October, and I couldn't have been more excited. I made a countdown sheet to watch us move along in our journey.

Then the wait started....